Okay, I'm gonna rant for a bit here, bear with me. It seems that some people have been saying that I should really get out of the gutter and write something that doesn't end in tragic torment or something like that. The *few* people who have *actually* read my stories know what I'm talking about. As for the rest of you, what's the matter with you people? So, get this: I've actually *listened* to what people had to say and I came up with this. So don't expect Ami to be bleeding her heart to you folks, or anything along those lines. In fact, while this story does mention our blue-haired heroine, it's not about her. Oh, no, this story wouldn't fit her. So I got everybody's favorite resident nut: Aino Minako! I must say that this story's brought be back a few years, when all I would write is action fics. You could say I've returned to my roots. Anyways, I've got about a dozen people I want to thank here, so let's start off. Levar Bouyer: Darn it, I can never remember how to spell his last name right. Anyways, he's been a great guy these past couple of weeks. I'm sure he's taken delight in the many different ways I've managed to rip up his blue-hiared goddess' life in my last couple of stories. He's also a record setter, I believe, for longest e-mail replies. Read his Sailor Orion series; you won't regret it. Jon Carp: Bru. Ha. Ha. Kudos to the Big Fish once again. He thought I was some guy who laughs like a maniac in a white room full of hampsters, and he's not that far off. His Secondary Characters series has inspired me in the past, and certainly isn't failing in its duty now. Laura Hudson: Welcome back. After a prolonged absence in which she had a few of life's little adventures, she's back once again to humble me with her writing. If you haven't read her stories, I simply do not know how you live. The #Moonscribe gang: I think you all know who I am, because I sure as hell can't use one name to identify myself on that crazy channel. Thank you all for making me feel at home at that nuthouse, and for putting up with my guest appearances (Bob Hope, Sailor America, Stephen Ratliff *ack!*) hmm. I hope Bouyer doesn't mind me mentioning his characters here without permission. Ah, who cares. He tries something, I'll threaten him with an Ami-angst story... Okay, I think you've had enough of my talk. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. SAILOR MOON: We Never Knew You, Aino Minako Or, The Author's Silly Attempt at Some Level of Humor Or, Sailor V-8 Dual-OverHead-Cam Turbocharged A Sailor Moon Story by Victor Naqvi. And for godsake, mail me at vnaqvi@hotmail.com. You'll be glad you did! "WHAT DO YOU DO? WHAT DO *YOU* DO???" -Speed The man eased the car into the parking lot, set the gear to park, and promptly shut it off. He hastily unbuckled his seat belt, cursing as the buckle clipped his white knuckles while shimmying back up and behind him. He took off his sunglasses. He was ready for this. The man looked up at his objective. The First National Bank of Tokyo looked like as if someone had heli-dropped a cement block right into the heart of the city. It was as featureless as the inside of the run-down apartment block that he was living in now with the two other occupants that sat in the seats beside and behind him. He sighed. Such a stickler for detail. Then again, he did consider himself an artist. A starving artist, if you will. And this was his art. He turned around, and nodded at the other two with an air of calmess that was so often the norm for his character, as the others noted. "You guys ready?" "Ready as-" the one in the backseat began, but cut off in mid-sentence as he proceeded to search frantically for something. After a minute of shuffling, he looked up at his boss and managed a sheepish grin. "I- uh, forgot the guns at home." He rolled his eyes. Why, God, why was it always that a genius had to be stuck with not one, but two imbeciles as the help? It was one of the oldest cliches, but seemed to hold true even in this situation. Shaking his head slowly, he started the car again, and navigated it back onto the main roads. Rush hour would be here soon, and he'd have to make his trip a fast one. Because of his blundering aides, the time window for which he had planned for was gone, but like all geniuses, he had a backup. He'd be back soon, and then he'd be filthy rich. "Well, guess what," Minako said. She could barely contain herself. "What?" Ami asked, her voice raspy through the static of the phone line. "Mamorou's taking *me* for driving lessons! Can you believe it? And in his car, too! Ohmygod that is such a *cool* car. I'm sooo excited!" She was jumping up and down now. "Really? Wow! Minako, I am so happy for you!" Mumbling in the background. Minako stopped her tirade. "Who's that, Ami?" "Oh, it's Urawa. He's saying- what? Oh, he's saying 'for God's sake, don't do anything stupid!' Don't be so mean," Minako heard her giggle through the reciever. She was a bit peturbed now. "Don't do anything stupid? What does he take me for? I'm not Usagi, after all! I-" She was interrupted by a knocking at the door. "Whups, gotta go, I think that's him. Wish me luck, ok? Bye!" Minako thought she heard a resigning sigh before she put the reciever down and rushed for the front door. Mamorou was there, dressed to kill(?) in his usual tweed jacket and black pants. "Hey, Minako!" he said cheerfully. "All set?" "You betcha!" Minako happily skipped down the pathway to the sleek red sports car that was the ticket to her freedom on the road. Already she pictured herself in the driver's seat, the wind whipping her golden hair about as she sped at speeds never imagined before. Her enthusiasm knew no bounds. After all, it wasn't the first- "Okay, get in the driver's seat, And I'll take the passenger's right beside you." Mamorou opened the passenger door and stepped in. Minako snapped out of her reverie, slid into the driver's seat and sunk deep into the recesses of the car's upholstery. "Umm...." "That's allright. Here, you reach under the seat and..." Mamorou pulled a lever and the seat shifted forward so that she could sit in a comfortable position to drive. "Okay, adjust your mirrors..." Minako shifted the rearview and side mirrors rather expertly, and made Mamorou wonder if she had done this sort of thing before. "This is your first time driving a car, right?" "Uh, yeah." Minako flashed a purely innocent grin. She reached for the ignition key. "Hold it." "What?" "Aren't you forgetting something?" "I don't think..." Mamorou reached behind him and drew the seat belt across his chest, and snpped it home with the lock beside his seat. "Oh... Wupsie!" She gingerly reached behind her and pulled the buckle down and across, locking it in place. "Okay... Start the ignition, and when you're ready, just pull out." For the second time today, the man eased the vehicle into the same parking space as before, which were now flanked by two other cars on either side. The traffic was beginning to get congested as it always was during rush hour. Being the *artist* he was, he'd decided to turn a potential disadvantage into an advantage. He figured that if anyone decided to give pursuit, they would get themselves lost in the traffic, if nothing else. Police? Those bastards couldn't find a magazine in a newsstand, anyway. He had nothing to worry about, though. Among other things, he was a top notch driver. For the second time, he turned around to his two lunky aides. He always pictured them with flies buzzing around their heads, but on a hot day like this, he didn't have to. He wondered if they had ever heard of the miracle of modern science called deodorant. "Okay, gentlemen," he said with more than a hint of sarcasm, "are you ready?" The edge in those last few words was overwhelming. "Remembered everything this time," the one in the backseat replied. He reached down and re-appeared with two handguns, which he gave to the other two men. They went through the standard check procedure, cocked the top of the gun backward then forwards with a flourish to ensure that the first round was chambered. The backseat man pulled out a shotgun from a bag on the floor. He reached into a backpack on the seat behind him, and fished out six shells. He too, put them into the holding barrel then slid the gun into the holster built into the trenchcoat he was wearing. "Okay, let's go through the plan one more time. Soon as we get into the building, we paint the security guards. Don't kill them unless they do something stupid, like fight back. Okay?" The other two men nodded. "Good. Once we've gotten their weapons, we go for the vault. Collins," he said, pointing to the man in the backseat, "the vault has a time-release lock of about four minutes. We can't afford to wait that long, so you're going to take these plastiques and apply them to the door. You're our demolitions expert, so you know what to do. Makoto," he addressed the man in the passenger's seat, "You and I will keep an eye on the people on the floor. We'll try to group the guards in one corner, if possible, so we can make them easier to watch. After Collins gets the door open, you keep watching them while I help him load the stuff into the sacks. After that's done, we leave. I have the escape route all planned. Remember, we want to do this thing as fast as we can,! because someone's bound to have pushed the silent alarm by the time we poke our noses in there. Got it?" "No sweat, Pops." "Excellent." They took the nylon stockings from their jackets and pulled it over their heads. They all looked like cantaloupe on legs, indistinguishable from each other because of the blurring effect of the stockings. "Okay," Pops announced, "let's do it." They get out of the car and briskly walked towards the Tokyo National Bank. "Very good, Minako!" Mamorou gave her a pat on the shoulder as she completed a textbook left turn. "You learn very quickly!" "Minako flashed a smile, but inside her brain felt like it was slowly turning to mush. How much more boring could this get? She let out an exsasperated sigh. This was nothing like the little 'excursions' she did back in England. Yes, she drove underage, and she didn't regret it. There were some 'exceptions' to be made when you were Sailor V and chasing a bunch of criminals, and sometimes running on foot or leaping on building rooftops wasn't enough. God, how she yearned for that again, but oh, no. Heaven forbid that she actually go even *10kp/h* above the speed limit! Mamorou was a good teacher, no doubt, but he was too much like an old stick in the mud. Minako wondered if Usagi hadn't gotten bored of him at times. "Minako?" "Huh?... Oh, sorry." "Keep your attention on the road at all times," he said as if he were reading it out of a manual. "Park right here, and we'll take a little break." Minako again smoothly navigated the vehicle to a graceful stop with the front right weel riding up the curb. She giggled nervously before reversing it and setting the tire back onto the road. She leaned forward and shut of the car. "You allright?" "Yep." "Have fun?" he asked hopefully. I've had more fun watching milk curdle. "Sure!" "Okay! Everybody down on the floor! Now! You! Put your hands in the air slowly. Nice and easy. That's it. Okay down on the floor! You too!" The guards complied silently, but the people who had been waiting in line for one of the two tellers on duty to call them up (typical bank service) began to panic and scream. Collins pumped a shell into the chamber and fired into the air. The sharp crack of the gun followed by the pinging of thousands of pellets striking the celing commanded the silence of every soul in the building. As per the plan, all three men defly removed the firearms from any of the blue-shirted threats and holstered them. Collins shoved his way past a bank teller and to the steel-reinforced vault. Grinning, he fished the plastique out of one of his trenchcoat pockets. He applied it on several places where he knew were the pressure points and weak spots would be. Next he extracted the detonator, a crude mess of electrical devices soldered together with a digital watch. Collins was quite proud of it; he had once considered mailing it in as an idea for MacGyver. He used the magnetic strip glued to the back of the detonator to attach it to the vault door. Fishing some stripped wire from yet another one of his pockets, he connected all the plastique in series, so that one would detonate after another. He simply didn't have time to do a fancier setup, but he was rather proud of it. "Collins! Hurry up!" Makoto called from where he was training a gun on a group of security guards. "Here we go!" Collins set the watch timer for ten seconds before diving behind the counter once again. Moments passed in silence, then a resounding BOOM followed by boiling smoke and the sound of rending metal signified that the device had worked. Pops got up and dashed over to the vault where Collins was already trying to pry it open. "Youch!" he exclaimed, pulling his hand away. "That thing's hot!" "Of course it is, you idiot! Here, use this." Pops used the cloth sack to protect his and Collins' hands as they pried the door open. When the door was slightly ajar, they both rushed in. Collins reached out with his forearm and swept the stacks of bills into the sack. Pops was a bit more careful, picking out the largest stacks. He wasn't here for just anything; he was here for the biggest and best. A few more seconds of frantic filling and stuffing, and they were out. Slinging the sacks over their shoulders, they hopped over the counter. Makoto kept the gun pointed at the guards as they slowly backed out. "I suggest that all of you stay real still for the next few minutes. Don't anybody try to be a hero, now!" Makoto yelled as they slipped through the glass doors and raced to the waiting vehicle. Mamorou and Minako emerged from the donut shop. Mamorou carried a bag of muffins in one hand; he deftly reached for his pocket with the other and unlocked the passenger side of his car. Once inside, he hit the power locks and all the locks popped up. "Okay, Minako, watch out for traffic and when it's clear, go on over to the drivers side and get in." He reached over and put the keys in the ignition. "Yes," Minako said, and added under her breath, "mother." She opened the driver's side door and slipped in. She turned the car on. Commotion in front of her. There, not more than twenty meters away, three masked men, two of them carrying bulging duffel bags, bolt out from a bank and jump into the car. Another moment, and they were off. In the distance, she heard a faint screaming of sirens, getting closer. Her heart fluttered. It was a feeling she hadn't felt for a long time. It was a raging fire that began in her head, her brain the tinder. It slowly spread throughout her body, downwards, rejuvinating feelings kept away under lock and key ever since she became Venus, and now those feelings, those memories, of a time way back when in England... When stopping crooks was fun. Then the fire reached her foot, and the foot depressed on the gas pedal. Mamorou caught the glint in her eye. "Minako! Don't even-" but the rest was cut off in a squeal of tortured tire as she pulled out of the parking space like a bat out of hell. "YAHOO!" Makoto exclaimed as he peeled off the nylon stocking from his face. Collins was wide-eyed, like a child in a candy store, as he opened one of the duffel bags and took out a few wads of cash. "Fellas," he announced, "I do believe we have hit the mother lode." "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" Makoto yelled, ecstatic. "DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU THE MONEY?" "SHOW ME THE MONEY, BABY!" Makoto threw back his head and laughed as Collins threw the bills around the cabin of the car, and they fluttered down over the three men. Pops snorted in disgust. "Will you two be quiet? This isn't over yet. We still have the cops to deal with, you know." "Oh, come on, man. You know as much as I do that we have absolutely nothing to- hey, is that car following us?" Pops took a quick glance in the rear view mirror. Makoto and Collins both craned their necks to see through the rear windshield. They all saw the same thing; a red sports car swerve onto the road and right behind them. "Son of a bitch!" Makoto exclaimed as he held on to the bottom of his seat as Pops began to swerve through traffic. "You think the cops were on to us all along?" "Hold on," Pops said as he slammed his foot down on the accelerator. "We'll get rid of them soon enough." Mamorou Chiba was truly scared out of his mind. Things were definetly going too fast for him. One minute, it's a peaceful drive downtown, and the next, some 15-year old girl is weaving through traffic- *rush* hour traffic, mind you- at speed approaching Autobahn standards. What's worse, she seemed to be having the time of her life. "Minako," he intended to say cooly and politely, but rather it came out as a high-pitched squeak. "I- I really think you should slow down." "Don't be silly," Minako giggled as she narrowly missed a crossing pedestrian. "How do you expect us to catch them, then?" She flashed a glance at him, and she thought he was turning a slight shade of green. "Oh, come on. You're Tuxedo Kamen! You're used to this sort of thing, right?" "No!" came the blurted response. "Look. Everything will turn out fine, okay?" She gave Mamorou a dazzling smile, while making the mistake of taking her eyes off the road. A car honk later, she glanced back at the road and swerved out of the way of another vehicle, but at the cost of the right view mirror. "See? Nothing to worry about." She gave the patented Sailor V sign. Mamorou closed his eyes. "Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name..." Pops went into the turn at a good 70kp/h, and veered left into the opposing lane of traffic. He readjusted his trajectory, then braced himself as he bounced back over the safety island and sparks showered from the back of his car. The engine screamed as if in pain, and he checked in his rear view mirror and saw that his muffler had torn itself from the underbelly of his machine. Pops cursed when he saw that the red car had made the same turn with much better efficiency. Was Pops nervous? Of course not, he told himself. Still, he gripped the steering wheel even tighter, to prevent them from slipping off the sweat-slicked surface. He came to another intersection, the light not in his favor this time, and decided to play a trump card. Risking life and limb of him as well as his associates, he made a tight left turn, and got away clean. "Hah, let's see you handle that, buddy!" Pops said as he brought the steering wheel under control once again. "Minako, it's a red light! Don't even think about turning!" "It's okay, don't worry." "No, it's not okay, godammit! I've got the rest of my life to live!" "Live it the only way you can, then." "How? In a wheelchair?" "No, like this!" Minako swung wide and then turned sharply to the left. They didn't get off as lucky as Pops had, though, and an oncoming car struck their rear right side. Being a sportscar, the side crumpled like a styrofoam cup as the other vehicle caromed off and into a fire hydrant sideways. Minako turned in the direction of what was quickly becoming a skid, and recovered. "Oh, darn it, I knew I forgot something." "Your common sense?" Minako just shook her head as she pulled her henshin pen out and held it between her teeth while mumbling the magic words. "Venish Plent Phowhr, Mek Up!" The usual light and fireworks display ensued. As the last motes of stardust dissapeared, the insane 15 year old girl was replaced by an insane 15 year old senshi. "Right," she declared, "let's put an end to this." "Thank god." Makoto finally got a glimpse of the driver. "Hey, Pops," he announced, "we've got a problem." Pops was quite disgruntled now, at his failed attempts to lose the pest. "What?" he snapped. "It's one of those Sailor Senshi." "Godammit!" Pops tried to push down on the accelerator some more; to his dismay, however, he found that he already had it down all the way. Mumbling something about the Senshi's parentage, he made another turn. "Collins!" "What?" "For God's sake, do something useful and take her down!" "No problem!" Collins retrieved the 12-gage shotgun from the floor, pumped a shell into the chamber. Sliding open the sunroof, he popped up, took careful aim (the best he could manage in a car going at breakneck speed) and squeezed the trigger. "Suck it down, Senshi!" Venus saw the man and the gun, and both her and Mamorou ducked seconds before the front windshield spiderwebbed then shattered in a cacophony of sound. Another shot was fired, and the deadly pellets pinged off the hood and dash of the car. Minako, operating more on knee-jerk reaction than anything else, swung the car over on to the other vehicle's right, then left in an attempt to throw off the man's aim. It succeded to some degree; rather than hitting her or her frightened passenger, the two thousand or so pellets ate into the right tire. Needless to say, it popped, and Minako suddenly had the problem of keeping the car in a straight line. This is it, she thought. Using a technique she saw in a movie, Venus summoned forth her Venus Love Chain, with less of a flourish than if one wasn't trying to navigate an almost-intact car with basically three wheels. Swinging it around lasso-style, she threw it forwards and by luck or divine intervention, whichever you believe in more, the chain wrapped around the driver's door handle. Minako then slammed the brakes. Pops didn't notice the glowing chain latch on to his door handle; what he did notice, was that things were moving by a lot slower. In a last act of desperation, Pops twisted the wheel to the right, but he oversteered and the car skidded into a position perpendicular to that of the oncoming car. Since the direction of the wheels didn't agree with the momentum, the front car skidded to a stop, and the red car planted itself quite nicely into its bosom. Minako and Mamorou both flew towards the windshield as the two cars collided, but their seatbelts snicked into place and the worst they got was the wind knocked out of them and sore shoulders. More could be said, however, on their emotional states. Minako was estatic, of course. "Ya-hoo! Now *that* was fun!" Mamorou's reaction was a bit different. "My car," he sobbed. "My beautiful car..." Tokyo (AP)- A bank robbery was foiled yesterday by the superheroine known as Sailor Venus. A car chase between the robbers and the Senshi tore up the streets of Downtown Tokyo when both parties ran through red lights and drove in lanes of opposing traffic, and ended in a climatic collision betwwen the red sports car and the grey sedan. Miraculously, no one was hurt, and now the three bank robbers are in custody, charged with armed robbery. When interviewed later on, Sailor Venus had this to say: "Boy, I certainly showed them, didn't I? Wow, I've forgotten how fun it is to be fighting dumb bank robbers, and not strange-looking cat-dog-sheep-emu thingies that spit acid or something." Police realized the risk that was put to the public by the car chase, and pondered on what to do about Venus and her associate Mamorou Chiba, whose car she apparently commandeered, but after considering the record that Venus had in protecting the city, they decided to reimburse Venus for damages to the car. Chiba, in- (continued in A13) The day was grey. Rain had slicked the dry streets of Tokyo, and after a week of endless sunshine, the asphalt could cool down for a few hours before the sun popped its head from the clouds once again. The grass on the lawns recovered almost immediately, turning from a wilted brown to lush green. Still, that did not stop two people from their activities as they trotted down the cobblestone path to the navy-blue sedan parked in front of a sprawling mansion. At the door of the house, a blue-haired girl waved the two figures farewell as they climbed into the car. Minako slid into the drivers seat, this time remembering to snick the seat belt into place. "Okay, I'm all set." "Good," Urawa said as he clasped his own seat belt across his shoulders. "Now, whenever you're ready, we can go. I've got our route planned out for us already." "Sure, but what happened to Mamorou? I thought he was going to be with us today." She made a pouting face. "I liked his car a lot, too!" "Uh, he said he was busy, I think." "Oh, well, like they say, when the going gets rough, the tough go find a belt sander." "Sure. Hey, let's get rolling." Minako started the car, and drove as per Urawa's instructions. About fifteen minutes in she remarked: "Urawa, this entire route's just been residential and back roads. That's no fun!" "Believe me, I know what I'm doing." "Whatever you say..." Urawa only smiled as he heard, far, far away, the sounds of police sirens. Finito. Remember, that mail address once again is vnaqvi@hotmail.com. Yes, I know I'm bugging you about it, but if I say it enough times, it just might stick, ne?