This is a Sailor Moon fanfic. There are many like it, but this one is mine. Acknowledgments: thanks to Tim Nolan and Greenbeans, for their superb characterization of Haruka and Michiru. To Professor Chronos: one of your FSC posts was the first SM fanfic I ever read. This is all your fault. To Jackie Chiang, for giving me the motivation to write this from beginning to end. To Jennifer Wand, who issued the challenge. To Hitoshi Doi, whose episode summaries I leaned on heavily in certain portions. To afsm, for listening. And to Victor Naqvi, who kept me sane when I honestly thought I was going to lose it. Note: I'm breaking one of my cardinal rules in this fanfic, but it's to make a point. It won't happen again. Second note: those who regularly follow my stories know that no matter how dark it gets, there's still some humor hiding in the details. That is not the case here. This is a depressing story in every sense of the word. I make no apologies for this. In my opinion, I was left with no other viable option. Third note: in case you didn't catch it the first time, this is a depressing story. It depressed the hell out of me, and I'm the one who wrote it. So don't go sending your therapy bills to me, okay? (okay, maybe one joke) Sailor Moon and associated characters aren't mine, never have been, and never will be. She and others belong to a number of large corporations who have never heard of me and, if I'm lucky, never will. (okay, so maybe two jokes) ==================================== Moon Revenge A Sailor Moon Fanfic by LeVar Bouyer ==================================== "Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of another, always at the same time as an end and never simply as a means." -Immanuel Kant, Grounding for the Metaphysics of Morals. "It's moon revenge, woo." -Mitsuishi Kotono, Hisakawa Aya, Tomozawa Michie, Shinohara Emi, Fukami Rika, in "Moon Revenge." "Death's too good for them." -Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. *** "Moon cosmic power, make-" "Not this time!" The daimon slapped away Usagi's compact. Too shocked at this development, she hardly noticed when it slammed her into a nearby wall. As the daimon began the process of extracting her heart crystal, she screamed a scream that would make a bystander think her very soul was being taken away. And in a way, it was. From a distance, Sailors Uranus and Neptune arrived. Seemingly impassive, they watched the daimon do its work. Neptune gulped. "Aren't you going to save her?" The strain was evident on her face, but the dusty blonde kept cool. "She might be the one with the talisman, you know." "I can see plain as day that you're asking yourself what you're going to do if it is." "We both know the answer to that," said Uranus in a tone that, as long she remembered it, Michiru could never really place. Sadness? Regret? Anger? After a seeming eternity, the deed was done. The daimon brandished its prize, clearly gloating. Uranus was nearly sick with fury at the daimon, but she put it aside. She gazed upon the crystal, then at the slack Usagi, and again at the crystal, and reached a verdict. "It's...it's the talisman!" Uranus moved to grab it, but Neptune caught her. "Think carefully. If it really is the talisman, Uranus, we can't return it." "I know that," she replied impatiently. "She'll *die*, Sailor Uranus." There was no reply. Uranus simply uncoiled, because there was no better word for what she did. In what was literally the blink of an eye, she flashed across the distance, delivered a left hook into the face of the daimon, grabbed the crystal with her right hand, and sprang away, just as a rose flew into the daimon's hand. Too late. Uranus was off and running, automatically assuming that the daimon wouldn't be far behind. She wasn't mistaken. The daimon, ignoring Tuxedo Kamen's volley, went off after Uranus and the crystal. Neptune, taking the barest fraction of a second to sigh in resignation, also began her pursuit. Tuxedo Kamen knelt down next to his beloved, whose eyes were glazed over. Instinctively, he knew she wouldn't last long at all without the crystal. Too angry and too frightened for tears, he ran off after the other three. *** Sailor Uranus was in the race of her life. She jumped from rooftop to rooftop, desperately trying to shake off the daimon. She heard rather than saw Sailor Neptune trying to distract the daimon, but to no avail. Worst of all, she was paying so much attention to running that she didn't have time to inspect her trophy more closely. She had a sneaking suspicion about the crystal she held in her right hand, but she simply couldn't stop long enough to check. She ran for what seemed to be kilometers, for what seemed to be days. Finally, she dared to look over her shoulder and saw no-one. She slowed down a bit and came to a stop atop a middle-class home that was in the shadow of a rather tall office building. Uranus looked around. No Neptune. No daimon. A small sandy-haired boy entered the driveway and went into the house, never noticing the woman on his roof. "NEPTUNE?" she cried out. No response. She reached for her communicator and in doing so noticed the crystal, which she had almost forgotten about. She had been so worried about its safety that the fact it was in her palm had ceased to register. She looked down at it and gasped. The first thing she realized was that it was growing terribly dim. At extraction it had been bright, almost dazzlingly so. Now...now it was an ashen gray, and growing darker. She half-thought it was a natural consequence of being away from its owner, but she hadn't much experience in these matters. It was the second thing that made her heart stop for a long, drawn-out, eternal second. It wasn't the talisman. It was a pure heart, to be sure, a very pure heart that could (and had) been easily mistaken, but it simply wasn't the talisman. And if it wasn't the talisman.... She turned around and ran faster than she ever had before. *** As she returned, she noticed the weather changing. Dark was coming on, and so was a cold front. Hardly unexpected, though. It was May, after all. May the thirtieth, which had dawned so beautifully on a girl who was celebrating her fifteenth birthday, a girl who no-one could *really* hate. A girl, Uranus realized, who was dead. She slowed to a walk at the scene. At the corner where Usagi's heart crystal had been taken, a crowd had gathered. She leapt unseen to a rooftop for a closer view, and jumped when a finger tapped her on the shoulder. "You have the talisman?" asked Neptune. Uranus turned to see a very worried looking Neptune. "Did you take care of the daimon?" "Yes," said Neptune shortly. "But you do have the talisman, do you not?" She left unspoken that if Uranus didn't, then a young girl had died for nothing. Uranus looked down at the scene again. A stretcher was being wheeled into a waiting ambulance. The stretcher was occupied, but a sheet had been drawn over its occupant. "Usagi-chan...." "She's dead. Pronounced dead the moment paramedics got there. I don't know where Tuxedo Kamen went. Presumably to tell those other senshi. Is the talisman safe?" Sailor Uranus caught the urgency in Neptune's voice and slumped her head down. There were four simple words, but saying them was the hardest thing Uranus had ever done. "I don't have it." Silence. "I don't have the talisman. Usagi's heart wasn't it. I thought it was, but...look." Uranus offered the crystal. By now it was nearly black. "My God." "I thought it was-" "We've got to get it back to Usagi! There may still be a chance!" Uranus's eyes brightened imperceptibly at that. "You think so?" she asked, already preparing to make the jump into the crowd of people. She spoke too soon. Even then the crystal was beginning to dissolve into nothing. "Michiru!" They watched helplessly as the crystal began to fade away. First slowly, and then faster and faster until all that was left was a memory. "Michiru. What have I done?" *** That night did not go easily for either of them. First they had to deal with the news reports. A girl had been struck dead on her fifteenth birthday by another paranormal phenomenon. District officials were petitioning the Diet to allow some American specialists to have a look at things, and it was generally agreed that they would get what they wanted. Second, they had to sleep. Haruka stared up at the ceiling, tears streaking down her face, down into the nape of her neck, there to form a cold, uncomfortable puddle against her pillow. The entire day had been a nightmare, but she feared the real nightmare hadn't even begun. How many times had they discussed this possibility, Haruka and Michiru? How many times had they wrestled with their decision? It was a simple choice on the outside. Either find the talismans to bring the Messiah, or watch the world die. And they had decided that sacrifices would have to be made. It was true that the three unfortunates who carried the talismans would die. But compared to all of humanity, what was the value of three lives? It had seemed to Haruka that there was a fundamental trap involved, a fallacy in trying to fix a value to a human life. But if she let those three live...all would die. The nightmares she had faced, the nightmares of the Silence...how could she possibly allow that to happen? No, she wouldn't allow it. And so she and Michiru had entered into their pact. They would find the talismans by any means necessary. If it ever came to the point where they must choose between the mission and the partner, the mission must take supreme priority. It had seemed a prudent plan, even when it came to the point where Michiru herself was in danger. And now, she thought, it had come time to pick the fruits of their efforts. Usagi was dead. The talismans were still waiting to be found. And Haruka couldn't sleep. She closed her eyes once again. And once again she saw Usagi's face. Usagi smiling. Usagi chasing a butterfly. Usagi marveling once again at the miracle of a rainbow. Usagi, always caring for the underdog. Usagi dead. Her eyes flew open once again. And once again she saw the ceiling. This had happened again and again that night. She had lay in bed for five hours now. It was early morning. In a couple of hours it would be time to prepare for school. I can't go on like this, she thought. Once, about an hour ago, she had given up and trying to get some advice from Michiru. But the woman of the sea-green hair was fast asleep. Apparently she was suffering from none of the crises of conscience that Haruka was. And why should she, thought Haruka, when her hands are clear of this. She had nothing to do with it. *I* was the irrational one, *I* was the.... She stopped herself. This was a road she'd traveled down that road more than once that night. She closed her eyes once again. And once again she saw Usagi's face. Her eyes flew open once again. It was a long, long night. *** The sun brought no cheerfulness to the city of Tokyo. The entire city was in shock over the death of little Tsukino Usagi. Not since the Shinjuku debacle had a single death so polarized the Japanese people. True, daimon and youma attacked all the times, but never had anyone *died* as a result. The Prime Minister had stepped in, stating that the perpetrators of this vile crime would be brought to justice, no matter what the price. Haruka and Michiru arrived at school shaken. On the way there, they had passed a couple of Usagi's friends, Ami and Makoto. Michiru had simply looked away, and Haruka pretended she hadn't seen their long faces, hadn't seen the look of utter defeat and despair in their eyes, hadn't seen from their posture that any love and happiness they might have ever had was now gone, gone to a refrigerated drawer in a nameless morgue in Juuban. They arrived at school. But their problems had only begun. In Haruka's first class, advanced calculus, she managed to look bored as usual. She could handle the material with ease; the only reason she showed up was for politeness. She watched as the teacher droned on about maximizing third-degree curves in three-dimensional space. She looked idly out the window and saw Usagi smiling back at her. Usagi, standing quite happily outside the third-floor window of Mugen Gakuen, ponytails blowing in the wind, standing on absolutely nothing at all. Haruka screamed in fright and jumped to the side, landing rather heavily on the ground. Ignoring the looks and gasps of surprise from her classmates, she continued to back away, half- instinctively reaching for her henshin rod. "Ten'ou-san! What is the meaning of this?" She stood. "Yui-sensei, I...." And she trailed off, because outside the window was a blue sky, a couple high, wispy clouds, and nothing else. No Usagi. "Yes?" he prompted, wondering if something might be wrong with one of his prize pupils. "It...it was nothing, Yui-sensei." She fished for an excuse and found one. Hang the insult to her pride. "I-I just saw an insect on the windowsill, and it frightened me. Yui ignored the snickers from the back of the class. "An insect." "Yes, Yui-sensei." She bowed in apology. "I apologize for the interruption. It won't happen again, sensei." "See that it doesn't, Ten'ou-san." The elderly man went back to the blackboard and began writing more Greek letters and symbols. Haruka looked cautiously out the window, but there was nothing there. However, she was willing to swear upon anything that she had seen Usagi, looking more alive than she ever had before. *** That night a daimon attacked. When it did, in a shopping district, the inner senshi came, as usual, to fight it. It was then that Uranus and Neptune saw how pitiful a fighting force the inner senshi were without their leader. True, Sailor Moon was clumsy at times, but she was their shining focus, and without her...the inner senshi were simply four girls in sailor suits. Neptune watched silently as Jupiter was flung back by an energy attack. Jupiter, physically the strongest of the inner senshi. On any other day Jupiter could have nearly beaten the daimon by herself. But now? Now she lay next to the curb, unmoving. Mercury had moved to check on her condition, and Mars and Venus were providing cover. It was a half-hearted attempt. Without Sailor Moon they simply couldn't function. "I'm getting tired of watching this," said Uranus. She caught a blonde head in a crowd of onlookers and flinched, afraid of who it might be. Or might have been. "We have to wait for the talisman." "Talismans. Is that all we're about now, talismans?" Neptune's voice came out far more softly than she'd planned. "Uranus, I know how you feel, but if we fail in our mission-" "The Silence will come. Yes, yes, I know that just as well as you do. But do you dream about Usagi?" Neptune remained silent. "I couldn't get to sleep for six hours last night because every time I closed my eyes, I saw Usagi's face. Today in class I looked out the window and saw her outside a third floor window. *Just* as real, *just* as tangible as the Silence. And you know what? It was just as frightening. Usagi's dead because of me, and all her ghost can do is come back and *smile* at me?!?" Neptune looked at her partner with a mixture of sympathy, love, pity, and sadness. "Come on, Uranus. It doesn't look like a talisman, and the other senshi can probably use some help." "It's not our job." "If we don't, who will?" Uranus and Neptune went to work. *** A week passed. Things were getting progressively worse. After a couple days of haphazard performance, the inner senshi had disappeared. No-one knew where they were; it was as if they had vanished off the face of the earth. Curiously, the pair that Haruka and Michiru passed every day, Ami and Makoto, were nowhere to be seen either. Haruka and Michiru had other things to worry about, though. Haruka was deteriorating. At least once a night she would wake up screaming, in a cold sweat. She was eating less, driving faster, taking more risks. Michiru was worried sick about her companion, but Haruka refused to talk about the events of the thirtieth of May. The daimon attacks were increasing in number, and the two were hard-pressed to get to all of them. And now that the inner senshi had disappeared, they had to dispatch of the daimons as well as inspect the heart crystals and return them to their owners. This was becoming to get draining, and again Michiru was worrying about Haruka's well-being. Things came to a head on a Sunday afternoon at 3:32 pm. They had just gotten back from fighting a daimon. Haruka had performed miserably, taking terrible risks and almost carelessly using her World Shaking to destroy the daimon. The crystal hadn't been a talisman, but Michiru shuddered to think of what might have happened if it was. As Haruka lay in a recliner and stared into space as she did so often, Michiru hunkered down next to her and stared her in the eyes. Haruka continued to stare ahead, uncaring. "Haruka. Haruka, you have to stop this." "Stop what?" asked Haruka emotionlessly. "This. This blaming yourself. You haven't been the same since Usagi-chan's death and we both know it." "Neither has the world." "Nani?" "Look around you, Michiru. The world is going to hell. Daimons twice a day, the US going to war, the real defenders of this planet have apparently given up, and the Silence is getting closer every day. Do I look like I give a damn about those talismans?" A pause. "I think so. I think that if you didn't care, you'd just sit here all the time and let the world take care of itself." Haruka looked Michiru in the eye. In the *eye*, with the force of all the despair and hopelessness she could muster. "You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you? The only reason...the only reason I wake up, the only reason I fight, the only reason I haven't decided to just end it all, is because of you. I just don't care about the mission anymore. You do, and so I fight on. But...I killed her." Michiru decided that tact wasn't called for in this situation. "Haruka, listen closely. *You made the right choice*. You couldn't risk it *not* being the talisman, Haruka. You did what you had to do. What *I* would have done. What any rational being would have done." "So any rational being would have allowed Usagi to die?" "We both know the alternative, Haruka." "At this point, I'm starting to prefer the alternative." Michiru knelt for a moment in shock. "I think...I think you need some time to yourself. I'll be upstairs if you need me." She got up and walked hurriedly to the stairs. Haruka continued to sit. It reached four o'clock. Time to go to the racetrack and practice her driving. Haruka continued to sit. It reached five o'clock. Time for her and Michiru to have dinner. Haruka continued to sit. It reached six o'clock. Usagi Tsukino stood in front of her. "You...you..." "Hello, Haruka-san." Her face was smiling. She was in her school uniform, the same uniform she'd been wearing on her birthday. She showed no signs of being dead. For that matter, she didn't even have the translucency Haruka stereotypically expected from a ghost. "You're...you're dead." "Hai." She said it as casually as if she were remarking on the weather, or pointing out an item of interest in the newspaper. "I...I killed you." "No you didn't, Haruka-san. You did what you had to do. I forgive you." "You...you can forgive me?" asked Haruka, ignoring the absurdity of talking to a dead person. "Of course." Usagi walked to the window and looked out, and then looked back at Haruka. "Now that I'm dead, I can see things so clearly. You didn't have a choice. You saw that I had the talisman, and you acted." "But...but it wasn't the talisman, dammit. IT WASN'T THE DAMN TALISMAN!" "But you thought it was. And you couldn't take the chance, could you?" Haruka was crying freely, uncaring of who saw. "Go away, dammit. You've gotten your revenge, just let me be." Usagi looked puzzled. "Revenge? Why would I want revenge? You did nothing to wrong me! It was me or humanity." "You're not real," decided Haruka finally. "You're just a figment of my imagination. You're not really here, I'm not listening to you," her voice getting higher and higher, she rose from the chair and walked towards Usagi, teetering on the edge of hysteria. "You're just something my tortured conscience dredged up to make me feel even *more* guilty," and with the word 'more' she poked a finger at Usagi's chest. It hit fabric. Under the fabric, Haruka could feel flesh. "You're real," she breathed. "Only as real as you want me to be." "Kami-sama." Haruka fell back into the chair, her mind whirling. "I'm sorry I can't stay longer, Haruka-san. Just remember, it's not your fault. I forgive you." And then Usagi was gone. No light show, no slow fade-out, she was just there one moment and gone the next. Michiru came down the stairs. "Haruka, were you saying something?" "No. Nothing at all." *** Another week passed. Things got worse. Daimons were gaining the upper hand. Uranus and Neptune fought even more desperately, but to no avail. Two senshi simply couldn't go up against the Death Busters alone. Perhaps if the other inners were still around--a girl matching the description of one of the inner senshi had been found on the banks of Tokyo Bay, dead for two days, probably a suicide-- perhaps if they were still around, they could have stood a chance. But the inners were gone. Perhaps if Sailor Moon was still alive. Perhaps if Usagi had only lived.... Haruka grew more and more depressed. When they weren't fighting daimons, she sat in the living room of their place. Sometimes, when Michiru was in another room, she could swear she could hear Haruka talking to someone else. Frightened, Michiru resolved to keep a closer watch on her partner in case the blonde decided to do something rash. The blonde did something rash two weeks, four days, and ten hours after Usagi's heart crystal was taken. She was riding her motorcycle, at Michiru's urging. Michiru hadn't told Haruka, but she feared that if Haruka didn't do something different, she would slip into a catatonic state. So she had persuaded Haruka to go pick up something from a sufficiently distant shop. Haruka sped on, passing cars going at 160 to 170 kilometers per hour. She was at the lowest point she had ever been. She had killed an innocent, and it looked like that one event was all that was needed to turn the tide of the war. She saw a construction area up ahead and reflected on how easy it would be for her to run into a support for a bridge. She shrugged, whispered a silent apology to Michiru and nudged the handlebars over ever so slightly. The fireball was visible from a mile away. *** Haruka woke up to look into the face of a woman doctor. "Ah, our wonder woman is up, is she?" "Doctor Mizuno," said a voice outside of Haruka's field of view, "here are the test results. Have you ever seen anything like it?" Mizuno took the clipboard and flipped a couple pages. She whistled slightly and looked at Haruka, grinning. "We knew you were lucky when they brought you in, but *how* lucky...well. You don't want me to bore you with a medical lecture, do you?" "I'm alive?" "To our surprise, yes." "But-" "You ran into a bridge, yes." Haruka was speechless. "Tell the truth, you're surprised the hell out of the entire ER. We had to treat one of the paramedics for shock when they picked you out of the wreckage without even a scratch." Haruka still said nothing. She remembered running into the pole. She remembered her flesh being burned, her bones broken. By all rights she should have died. Then she rememebered another thing. A bright light, just when she was ready to close her eyes forever. And a blonde girl. "Oh, you have a visitor. She's been worried about you." "Michiru!" "Haruka!" They embraced. "Haruka, don't you *ever* do something like that again!" "I wanted to die," whispered Haruka into Michiru's ear. Michiru stiffened. "Haruka, what are you-" "I wanted to die, dammit. I steered into that support. I should be dead now." "You're not well, Haruka." "No, I'm perfectly fine, and that's the problem!" "Haruka, when we get home, you are gong to forget about Usagi, okay?" "No," sobbed Haruka, "it's not okay at all." *** Haruka tried to kill herself several times in the next few months. Each time, whether it be carbon monoxide poisoning, strangulation, drowning, or the traditional slitting of wrists, she failed. Each time, she pulled off a miraculous recovery. And each time, she felt more and more strongly that it was thanks to Usagi. "She's haunting me, Michiru," said Haruka as they sat in their living room. If Michiru had had her way, Haruka would have been committed long ago. But there simply wasn't time for that; daimons were virtually overrunning the city, and many were calling on the mayor to call a state of emergency. The death toll was rising daily, and the two doubted they would ever find the talismans now. "Who's haunting you?" asked Michiru, trying to keep her talking. Once she hadn't opened her mouth for two days, and it had scared Michiru almost as much as the suicide attempts. She knew the answer that Haruka would give, but she had to ask. "Usagi. She keeps coming back. You know what she tells me? She tells me...she tells me that she won't let me die. She says I have to save the world. *Me*, *I* have to save the world. Me and you and who else? Dammit, without Sailor Moon...we'll never find the talismans, will we? And she still won't let me die. DAMMIT USAGI, LET ME FUCKING DIE!" Michiru embraced Haruka, comforting her the only way she knew how. Haruka cried for a long time. *** A few weeks later, Uranus and Neptune fell, and Pharaoh 90 brought the Silence upon the Earth. It never ended. ========================================== Bitter? Yes. Depressing? Yes. Who cares? I wasn't in a good mood when I wrote this. If you haven't turned away in disgust yet, shoot your flames at lbouyer@geocities.com. And that's about it. LeVar Bouyer 24 November 1997 rev. 1 December 1997