The Death of Love
By Lindsay Eagle

For all the lovers who have ever encountered a trip or a fall:
Love will heal

Chapter 1
My One Love's Sin

  The weather's been bad lately.  Cold.  Wet.  Like my spirit. 
Since he left me it's been like this.  It's almost like God knows
that a terrible sin has been committed by my Darien, and he's
letting he weather express his anger.  His hate.
  I still can't believe this is really happening.  This is really
happening.  Darien, my one love, has left me.  Left me alone.  He
said he didn't have the same feelings for me.  He said he didn't
love me like he had before.  And he turned his back on me without
any explanation.
  So he hates me...But how can he?  How can he hate the one
person who loved him, who cared for him?  he told me himself that
he loved me more than any other person in the world.  He told me
himself that he would never leave me.
  But he has.
  Sometimes I laugh at myself.  I laugh at how foolish I am to
pursue him still.  To pray day and night that he will return to
me.  Come back to my love and let it fill us once again.  To
devour depression and sadness instead of food.  To stay inside my
room with the shades closed thinking about him when I should be
out getting exercise.  
  Why am I doing this to myself?  Why am I making myself wrong? 
I love him.  I can't just let this happen.  And this is what I'm
doing to help myself.  But then I wonder.  Is it helping at all?
  But that is all I can think about these days.  Darien and our
love.  My mind is on the subject day and night.  Twenty-five
hours a day, eight days a week.  I can't focus for long on
anything else.  Math is pointless.  History is trivial.  Language
class is boring.  
  School has just been a living hell.  I go and sit all day in
that stuffy classroom listening to my teacher drone on about
meaningless topics while other classmates are giving me these
looks.  Like I have a disease which is highly contagious.  No one
will go near me.  And when they do, it's almost like they're
pitying me.  For God knows why.  I mean, they comment on how thin
I've gotten.  So I've been watching my weight.  Is that anything
to get a whole classroom of kids to ignore you? 
  Oh, Darien.  Why?  Why must you put me through this?  Why did
you have to just push me aside like that?  You're putting me
though hell!   
  No, I can't start crying.  Come on, Serena, pull yourself
together.  I can't focus on anything else for more than a minute. 
God, this is killing me!
  The light breeze is beginning to calm my nerves.  It feels soft
against my white skin.  I close my blue eyes to feel the air
against my face, the wind in my golden hair.  And as it dies, so
does the only comfort I have felt in the past few weeks.  Since
Darien is gone, there is no one to hold me.  To caress me.  To
love me.  I mean, sure.  There's mom and dad.  But right now I
need the kind of love you don't get from a parent.  I need
passion.
  "So what are we going to do today?"  The sudden burst of energy
interrupts my thoughts.  I turn to the speaker, who sits across
from me.  Mina.  Her smiling face seems to fill the outdoor cafe'
with light.  Energy.  Not like me.  If I'm affecting this place
in anyway it's for the worst.  I am in no mood to smile now.
  Hmmm...smiling.  I haven't done it in awhile.  I've almost
forgotten what it's like.
  I turn back to Mina.  Her blond curls are tossing around her
waist in the wind.  Her equally golden bangs hang playfully over
her turquoise eyes, just a shade lighter than mine.  She looks so
happy compared to how I probably look right now.  I look back
down, choose a spot on the table-top, and just stare at it,
thinking about Darien.
  "I don't know.  It isn't exactly beach weather."  Without
looking up from my spot on the table I can tell it's Lita.  She
has a distinct voice.  Very strong, very firm.  But very caring
and loving at the same time.  I glance two seats to my left and
catch a glimpse of Lita's thick, brown hair.  Boy, that's some
head of hair she has.  It's beautiful.  It's just a shame she
keeps it up in that pony tail all the time.  She wraps a finger
around the small whisps of hair that fall free and blinks her
emerald green eyes as a chuckle is heard from the table, a
reaction to her joke.
  "Hey maybe we could stop over at the book store."  That's
definately Amy.  She's the kind of girl who hangs out at
libraries, polishes off a three hundred page book a week, gets
straight A's, and still manages to stay at least ten chapters in
the text book ahead of the rest of her class.   
  I glance up, just to get the amusement of seeing everyone's
reaction to this.  Mina and Lita look to one another, as if for
help and then giggle, almost silently, as they see that the other
is looking for help too.  
  "I-I just went there yesterday..." Mina stammers.  A small
laugh follows as Lita continues where she left off.
  "Yeah, me too.  I, uh, went with her."  Instantly the two are
laughing.  Amy is just looking at them as if they are the rudest
people on earth.  But she eventually joins in, her high-pitched
voice rising above the others.
  My gaze slowly turns back to the table when I remember him. 
Darien.  He was always so lively.  You could always get him to
crack a smile.  Strange.  When I first met him, it seemed he
wouldn't even chuckle if someone told him the funniest joke in
the world.  
  But people do change.
  A gust of wind passes slowly.  I shiver.  Probably because I'm
stupid enough to wear a sun dress in the middle of the fall
season.  "How can you wear that thing, Serena?" Rini had asked
me.  "It's so cold outside."  Of course I didn't listen to her,
for I never listen to the little spore, and I left wearing a
strapless sun dress with no jacket.  If Darien had been there I
would have thought about Rini's point.  But he wasn't.  And he
never will be again.
  Why am I doing this to myself!?  I have got to stop thinking
negatively.  He'll come back, I know he will.
  I suddenly feel eyes on me.  Eyes watching me.  They feel soft,
comforting...like Darien's.  I look up for a moment...just to
check.  You never know.  But instead of seeing his handsome,
smiling face, those deep, blue eyes, that jet-black hair dancing
with the wind, I see Raye.  
  And she is not smiling.  Her soft, brown eyes are wider than
normal.  Her face seems to have become pale in the last few
seconds.  Her lips are not together, but a few centimeters apart. 
She looks as if she might faint.  And she's looking at me.  
  What's wrong with me?  What would make her look at me so with
that frightened expression?  The expression that scares me. 
Yeah, it scares me.  I know why she's looking at me like that. 
It's because of how I've become.  I look in the mirror and hate
what I see.  I'm too thin.  Too bony.  My hair isn't nearly as
gold as it was before.  And it's begun to thin out.  My scalp
shows through in some places.  I try to cover it up with tons of
brushing, but it never works.  I have to use a lot of blush and
lipstick in the mornings before I go to school so I don't look so
pale.  
  I slowly look back to my spot on the table.  I suddenly feel
lost.  I yearn to be held.  Held by the one I love.  Held by
Darien.  
  I hear Raye's soft voice, but I can't make out what she's
saying.  I'm not really paying attention anymore.  I'm
concentrating too hard on Darien.  Thinking about him and how we
were.  Oh, we were so happy together.  Or at least I was.  It
seemed he was happy.  He was so sincere.  
  A sudden silence circles around the table.  The only sound is
the soft rustling of the trees as the wind dances with their
leaves.  I feel eyes on me.  Five pairs.  But only four others
sit at the table with me.  It's a strange feeling.  There's no
one else here but yet I feel their eyes.  
  I hear a small sigh coming from Mina's direction.  "Tell
you...girls and I...ice cream?"  That's all I hear from her
statement.  My mind is still set on that fifth pair of eyes.  I
can't help but feel a closeness to them, who ever's eyes they
are. 
  More silence.  "Um, there's a carnival opening down the street
today...if you'd like to go..."  Mina continues.
  I definentaly heard that one.  I love carnivals and Mina knows
that.  That's why she said we could go.  She knew that it would
cheer me up.
  And it did.  I can't help but smile.  I look to her, my blue
eyes sparkling.  "Really?  We can?" I ask, happy to get my mind
off Darien a bit.
  Mina beams.  I know she feels very happy to be the one to cheer
me up.  After all, I have kind of been dead weight the past
couple of weeks.  But I've just been depressed, that's all.
  Raye sits between us.  She looks to me with a worried
expression and bites her lip.  Then her eyebrows form somewhat of
a 'V' and she turns swiftly to her right to face Mina.  
  "Ow..." Mina exclaims as Raye smacks her in the arm.  "What'd
you do that for 
Raye--oh..."  Her face changes.  She's not so happy anymore. 
Neither is anyone else at the table.  And neither is God,
apparently, for a soft rumble of thunder is heard in the
distance.  
  I know what everyone's upset about.  Raye's been telling them
that I shouldn't be exerting myself.  She doesn't know that I
know, but I've heard.  I know Raye means well.  After all, out of
all of the girls she's my best friend.  She wouldn't do anything
to harm me.  But, I mean, she doesn't have to spoil all my fun. 
Just because I've gotten a little weaker and I haven't been
eating enough doesn't mean I can't go to a carnival!
  "What?" I ask, deciding to play it dumb.  I look around the
table at all of them.  All of them looking back at me with the
same expression.  Worry.  
  "I don't think so..." Raye finally says, her voice shaking just
a bit.
  "Why?" I reply.  Yeah, I want to know why you need to protect
me and treat me like a baby.  I am perfectly capable of taking
care of myself.  I don't need to be pampered.
  Raye gazes at me for a moment and then looks down to choose her
own spot on the table to stare at.
  There is yet another silence.  No one knows how to react to my
question.  They are all just kind of staring into space. 
Thinking about me and my 'disorder'.  That's what Raye calls it. 
I just call it good old fashion dieting.
  The first movement is Raye's.  She slowly lifts her eyes away
from the table and looks to Lita across the table helplessly.
  Lita seems to nod slightly and then she turns to me.  "Serena,"
she says breaking the silence.  She pauses to fix her pony tail,
an excuse to turn her eyes away from me.  "I don't want to see
you get hurt," she finishes, her voice slightly cracked.
  I know she said it for the best.  I know all she wants is to
help me.  But those words...she doesn't want to see me get hurt? 
She says it like I'm a delicate, glass vase that is so fragile
that I'll break if you touch me.  
  That's what it's been like the past few weeks.  Everyone
watching what they say and do around me, treating me like a
princess.  
  I straighten up from the slouch I was in the whole time. 
"Lita, Raye, I am perfectly fine."  I'm not going to put up with
this pampering every day.  I'm just going to have to make that
known.  
  Words start to form just behind my lips, but then I look to my
right.  Mina.  She's always been the light hearted one.  Keeping
the group from getting as depressed as I am about Darien.  Her
smile has somehow changed into a frown.  Just to her right is
Lita.  Her eyes are aimed downward at the table, the bright green
they once were has turned into a deep gray.  She seems worried
and--no.  Her eyes aren't wet, are they?  Lita has always been
the kind of person who would comfort.  She's strong, and will
never cry.  But it seems that she might today.  To her right sits
Amy.  She looks straight into my eyes and I can see her pain. 
She's terribly worried for me.  She told me once that I was her
best friend.  And now she has to see me like this...
  Like what?  What am I talking about?  There is nothing wrong
with me.
  I turn to my side to stare at Raye.  She stares back, her eyes
wet and salty.  She's crying.  She's crying about me.  
  I can't take this. "What is everyone so upset about!?" I shout. 
"I am fine!  There is nothing wrong with me!  Do you hear me? 
Nothing!"  And there isn't.  Really, I mean, they're my friends,
but personally I think they're taking this a little too far.
  I can't sit here anymore with them.  I can't look at them and
see pain in their eyes.  It just brings back memories of what's
going on in my life.  My depression.  Darien.  
  I push my chair out slowly and rise to my feet.  I suddenly
feel weak, like I can't support myself.  I feel light headed.  My
legs wobble a bit until I steady myself on the back of the chair. 

  I sigh, blowing golden strands of hair out of my eyes.  I
glance up to go, but see a hand.  A trembling hand reaching out,
gesturing for me to grab onto for support.  It's Raye.  I knock
it out of the way with the back of my hand as I walk past her. 
I'm so sick of being treated like that.  Like a princess.  Like I
can't do anything for myself.    
  Well I'm through.  I'm going home.
  I hear the others behind me and their reactions.  I can hear
Raye's soft sobbing.  Amy begins to cry.  Mina sniffs once or
twice holding back the tears.  I can almost hear Lita's silence.
  A crash of thunder, now nearer than before, followed by a flash
of lightning.  Oh, I hate storms!  Thunder and lightning and
rain...My pace increases, for there is no way I am getting caught
in this storm.  
  Another crash.  Then rain.  Just a light drizzle, but it will
pick up soon enough.  I begin to run.  Run through the rain as
the pressure begins to increase.  
  I don't know why, but I've always been afraid of thunder
storms.  They frighten me so bad.  Maybe it's the loud noises,
maybe it's the bright flashes of light.  I don't know.  But
whatever it is, it scares the daylights out of me.
  Another crash.  So loud!  A shrill scream escapes my mouth.  I
can't see.  The rain is too dense.  I sink down to my hands and
knees.  I don't know what to do.  The wind.  The rain.  The
crashing and...
  I suddenly see a small light up ahead.  A streetlight.  I crawl
toward it, letting my palms slide across the wet pavement.  I
don't know what I'll do when I get there.  But it is a source of
light, and I'll be able to see a bit better through the rain.
  I grasp onto the pole, pulling myself close to it.  I cover my
head in my arms and hands  to try to block out the earsplitting
crashes of thunder.  
  I suddenly feel colder.  The wind howls in my ears sending wet
breeze around me.  But with the breeze comes a small noise,
somewhat of a cough, and a loud thud.  I whip my head around to
face the noise.  A person is now struggling up from the pavement,
where he just fell, to a sitting position.  A man.  Tall,
slender, handsome.  Can it be?  Is it...Darien?  Had he been
watching me the whole time back at the cafe'?  Was he the fifth
pair of eyes I felt on me earlier?
  He is now on his hands and knees, his hand pressed to his
forehead where I can clearly see blood.  He is not aware of my
presence.  If he is, he wouldn't be here right now.  Blood begins
to seep through his hands.  The cut in his forehead is bleeding
bad.  
  In spite of all that goes on around us, I want to help him.  I
want to play doctor and take care of that little wound.  Slowly,
I reach a hand toward his face.  For a moment I can feel him.  I
can feel his warmth against my hand.  It travels up through my
arm into my body, filling me with his love.  
  But that moment disappears, for he turns swiftly to face me. 
We just stare at each other.  Our eyes locked.  We are one.  I
can sense what he is feeling.  He's confused.  He feels love.  He
feels hate  He feels them both at the same time.
  Quickly he reaches his arms out to me and lifts me up.  He hugs
me close to his chest as he runs.  Runs through the rain with me
in his arms.  He is rescuing me.  But why?  Has the feeling he
once had returned?  Does he love me once again?
  I start to feel that awful feeling again.  Faint, dizzy,
lightheaded.  It may be because we're running at such high speed. 
It may be because of what just happened.  I...don't know why. 
All I know is that I think I may...

  I feel sheets against my wet body.  Bed sheets.  They feel
warm, comforting.  
 Three questions are on my mind.  'Where am I' and 'How did I get
here' are easy.  I just have to remember what happened.
  I slowly open my eyes.  At first the bright light blinds me,
but I soon adjust.  I'm in some kind of a first aid room, I
think.  What with all of the little boxes with red crosses on
them.  I hear the faint sounds of video games.  The little chimes
and game music.  The arcade.  Yes, I've been in this room before. 
Once, when I fainted on the street, Andrew brought me back here
in the first aid room.  
  I can still hear the horrible sounds of the storm beating
against the window.  It's not as strong as before, but it still
scares me.  At least I'm safe inside now.  
  I pull myself into a sitting position, letting my feet dangle
over the raised cot that I was laying on before.  I shiver.  The
air conditioning must be turned down to a very low temperature. 
Or maybe it's because I am completely soaked.  There is a soft,
fluffy towel placed around my shoulders.  Andrew.  What a sweet
guy!
  Now that two of my questions are answered...does Darien love me
again?  Does this mean we're back together?
  I hear something behind me.  A small sigh.  Someone is standing
in the doorway.  I quickly turn towards the sound and...Darien! 
He is just standing there looking at me.  His expression
is...strange.  It's not exactly a frown, but it isn't a smile
either.  He looks relieved, but troubled.  I can't read it.  Then
I remember my question.  I am bursting to ask him, but I don't
know how to put it.  Suddenly I fear the question.  Not exactly
the question itself but the answer that will be given.  What if
he says no?  What if he just walks away from me...like he always
does?  I don't know why, but a single tear falls down my cheek. 
"Does this mean...we're...we're..." I ask.
  He shuts his eyes tight, as if in pain and turns away.  No.  He
didn't...turn away again?  He can't do this!  What about me? 
What about us?  I know if I call his name he'll just want to
leave even more.  But if I don't call his name...
  "Darien!" I cry.  I can't hold it in.  I can't just sit back
and watch him walk out on me again.  He keeps walking.  Does he
not hear me?  "Darien," I call again, desperately trying to get
his attention, "please come back, please!"  But he doesn't listen
to me.  He just keeps walking.  How can he do this?  How can he
just leave me here alone?  Doesn't he care?
  I hear voices just outside the door.  Andrew and Darien.  Now
Andrew's siding with Darien?  This is ridiculous!  I know I
shouldn't do this, but it's essential to finding out why Darien
is acting like this in the first place.
  I get down on the floor and slowly crawl toward the door.  With
every step their voices get louder and clearer.
  "You want to tell me what's bugging you?"  That's Andrew's
voice.  Andrew and Darien have been friends for years.  Of course
Darien's going to tell Andrew the score.  Then I'll catch it and
know what it's all about!
  "I wish I could," Darien replies.  I didn't just hear that. 
Darien refused to talk to Andrew about something?  This must be
serious.
  I suddenly feel a twinge of sympathy.  He sounded so sad.  And
the words he used, "I wish I could".  I still love Darien.  With
all my heart.  I wish I could go to him and hold him tight.  Make
him feel better.  But I know I can't.  He'll just avoid me and
walk away again.  And I can't take that.  
  I hear the light thud of the door closing.  He left.  I
scramble to the window, so I can maybe catch one last glimpse of
him.  
  The rain falls lightly now, gently dampening his jet-black
hair.  He seems to shiver.  Poor thing.  He's cold.  I want
nothing more than to wrap my loving arms around him.  Warm him
up.  But the window separates us.  All I can do is watch.
  He suddenly stops under the streetlight he rescued me from.  He
seems to stare into space for just a moment until he looks
straight at me.  His blue eyes shine, full of love and affection. 
He just stares at me as I stare at him.  As I look deeper into
his eyes I can sense pain.  Heartbreaking pain.  Like mine.  At
the same moment we both turn away.  Simultaneously.  Maybe
because we can't handle seeing the other's pain.
  Pain.  I thought this event was bringing it to me alone and no
one else.  But I saw it in his eyes.  I saw it, deep like an
ocean.  It seemed to fill us both with anguish.  Sorrow. 
Depression.  But I can't help but think--why him?  Why would he
be in so much pain if it was him who put an end to our love in
the first place?  Why would he turn to me and stare with so much
heartache in his face?  Why?  

Chapter 2
What He's Left of Me

  It's been at least a week.  I haven't caught a glimpse of him
for a whole week.  Haven't stared into those enchanting eyes,
touched those black tufts of hair, felt his warmth on my body.  
  It's the longest I've ever gone without seeing or talking to
Darien, I think.  At least it feels that way.  And it's been the
longest week I've ever experienced. Slumping off to bed early and
never falling asleep, sitting at a full dinner table every night
with an empty plate in front of me, waiting by the phone yearning
for it to ring, hoping his voice will come through the receiver
just once.  
  I haven't been out of the house, except for school.  And I've
been at least a half hour late each day since it's hard for me to
get out of bed and, when I do, I can't run to school like I
always have.  Whenever I try, I tire out.
  Weekends seem to be the worst time.  I have the whole day full
of nothing waiting to be filled with thoughts about him.  When
I'm in school, I have something to concentrate on.  But when I'm
home for two days strait doing nothing my mind starts to wander
to him.  Sure, sometimes the girls come over asking me to come
out, but I tell them the same thing every time, just as I do this
Saturday morning.
  "I'm waiting for a call," I say.
  The four girls just stare at me blankly for a moment through
the crack that the door is opened to.  Mina turns her head to the
others.  "Is she serious?" she says laughing.  "Did Serena just
refuse to come to the mall with us?"  I know she's trying to make
light of the situation, and it seems that her method is working,
for Lita, Amy, and Raye smile back at her and then to me.
  "Come on, Serena," Lita says taking my hand and trying to pull
me out the door.  "You know you want to!"
  Amy laughs her high-pitched laugh.  It seems that everything
Lita does that is supposed to be a joke is hilariously funny to
her.  She covers her mouth with a small hand and shakes from her
giggling.
  I lean my head on the door and sigh, annoyed with this ritual
of them showing up at my door in the afternoons and weekends
trying to get me to go here and there with them.  "You guys," I
say tiredly, "I'm really waiting for a call-"
  "Oh come on, Serena," Raye says, joining in, a bit calmer than
the others, "they can wait.  Right now we're going to take you to
the mall.  You're going to have a good time!"
  "Yeah.  I mean, Amy took off a day of studying for this," Lita
jokes.  "How can you go wrong?"  Everyone laughs, and maybe I am
smirking a bit.  I can't laugh though because if I do, I'll
probably give in to them and go out.  
  Raye looks to me, her eyes glowing with happiness, brighter
than I've seen for awhile.  "Ah look, guys!  She's smiling, she's
smiling," she says playfully, pointing at my face.
  "I am not," I snap back.  I don't intend to be mean to her,
I've just had a hard day.  I hope she knows that.
  Her hands instantly fly to her hips.  "Are too," she retorts,
her head bobbing back and forth.  She knows that one of our
little fights will make me give in.  And she's right.
  I put a hand on the frame of the door and shift my weight to
that side.  "Am not," I reply.
  "Are too!"
  "Am not!"
  "Are too!"
  "Am not!"
  "Are too!" She finishes that last line with her all-famous
tongue.  It emerges from her mouth pointed straight at me.  I
can't help it.  I absolutely die with laughter.  My whole body
shakes.  I feel like I'll fall to the ground, but not out of
weakness.  Out of happiness.
  "See?  I can get you!"  Raye calls out over all the laughter
the girls and I are dishing out.
  I don't respond to that.  I can't.  I'm laughing too hard.  It
feels good.  The sweet sound of pure happiness fills my ears.  It
fills my heart with joy.  I haven't felt this way since...we
split up.  
  Of course I had to go and think about him right then, didn't I? 
My good mood slowly fades and the depressing feeling of before
slowly begins to return.  Raye looks to me, anxiously biting her
lip.  She is realizing that my bad mood is returning.  I think
the others have noticed too because the laughing begins to fade
all around.  For a moment there is silence.  Then finally Mina
smiles and says, "Oh no, no, no, no.  You're not going to get all
depressed on me after Raye spent her sweet time trying to get you
to cheer up!"
  "Yeah, that wouldn't be fair to Raye, here!" Lita adds, placing
her arm on Raye's shoulder.
  I roll my eyes slightly.  I know they mean well, but haven't
they seen how much this has hurt me?  I just need some time
to...to get over him.
  But I don't want to get over him!  I don't want him to get over
me! How will I be able to carry on without him?  I can't.  I just
can't.  I won't be able to.  He's been such a big part of my
life.  A while ago I was so immature.  I was always late to
school, got bad grades, stuck my nose into other people's
business...And, well, once I met him, I had a reason to change. 
I mean, he was older and I don't think he would appreciate the
girl he loves being a total ditz.  So I watched him everyday.  I
watched him and Raye and Lita and Amy and Mina, learning
something from all of them. He kept commenting on how much I've
grown.  How much I've changed.  How much I've matured from the
little, clutzy, immature baby to the beautiful young lady that I
am now.
  And now he's gone.
  If it weren't for my hopes that he will come back, I'd be back
to my old ways.  I have no motivation anymore.  He was my
motivation.  And now that he's gone, so is it.  
  I suddenly hear the silence around me.  It clings to me like a
cloak, dark and heavy.  I realize that I have spaced out,
thinking about Darien.  They're all staring at me.  Not in
disgust, but with sympathy.  How do they know what I'm thinking
about?  It must be my expression!  I realize I'm frowning.  My
lips are probably lower than the Grand Canyon.  At least they
feel that way.  
  My eyes dart from girl to girl, all of us standing in silence. 
They look sad, frightened almost.  Frightened for me.
  Suddenly I feel the warmth of fur against my leg.  I quickly
look down, grateful for an excuse to take my eyes off of them. 
Luna.  She briskly jumps to my shoulder and looks out at the
girls from her new perch.
  Amy reaches a hand out to scratch Luna's ear.  "Hey there,
Luna,"  she says cheerfully.  Luna purrs, her soft voice tickling
my ear.  
  "Hello, Amy," Luna replies, followed by a greeting from the
rest of us.  Luna then turns her green eyes to me.  Her
expression swiftly changes from cheerful to concerned.  I stare
at her on my shoulder for a moment.  Her green eyes are all I can
see.  Those soft, glowing, green eyes that shine like diamonds on
her ebony fur.  Her long tail swishes back and forth thoughtfully
as she cocks her head to one side.  She looks back to the others. 
"What's going on?" she asks.  She sounds deeply concerned.  
  Mina is the first to speak.  "Well, the girls and I were trying
to get Serena, here, to come with us to the mall."  She sounds
happy.  Not completely, though.  Maybe she's faking her cheer. 
Maybe not.  But her voice doesn't sound completely satisfactory. 
Not quite.
  Luna instantly brightens.  She turns back to me, the crescent
moon upon her forehead glowing with positive energy.  "I think
that's a great idea, Mina," she says, looking into my eyes. 
"Yes, why don't the six of us head on over to the mall?  You
girls could get some new clothes, new music..."  She nudges my
cheek with hers.  
  I can't help but smile.  They all try so hard to cheer me up. 
Even Luna, who is as bad as Raye when it comes to making fun of
me.  Yeah, I know they don't mean it.  We're all really good
friends and no one means to hurt anyone.
  But now I'm not so sure that this bond that we have is so
strong.  For Darien has broken it.
  "It will be good for you," Luna continues.  "You'll get out of
the house, have some fun..."  
  "Come on, Meatball head!" Raye cries suddenly.  Meatball head. 
Darien and Raye's pet name for me.  I never really minded when he
called me it, but when she calls me it...ooh, it gets me so
steamed!
  "All right, that's it," I shout turning on my heel to go back
into the house, Luna flying off my shoulder and straight into
Amy's arms.
  "Where are you going?" Amy asks, holding a very shook up Luna
in her arms.  
  I turn back to them.  I feel my eyes twinkling.  "To get ready. 
You don't expect me to go to the mall looking like this, do you?"
  Smiles burst from all their faces as I continue to gallop
upstairs.  Yeah, Raye's little comment made me motivated.  I'll
show her that I can do whatever I want to do.  I don't need
people dragging me everywhere.  I can make my own decisions of
where I want to go, and I'm deciding to go to the mall.  She
can't stop me!
  I hop into my room through the door. I glance around the floor,
bed, and dresser trying to decide what to wear.  Ah, there's my
little blue dress.  That's perfect!  I scoop it off the floor and
head for the bathroom to change.  Hmm.  It is a little wrinkled,
but it will have to do.  
  I stare at the Serena in the mirror.  She is standing there
naked holding a wrinkled, blue dress in her hands.  I gaze into
her eyes for a moment.  Those sad, blue eyes.  Her face screams
happiness, but it feels like just an act.  Really, deep inside,
she will never get over her love.  And it shows.  Her golden hair
isn't nearly as beautiful as it once was.  She's much thinner. 
Too thin.  Her eyes are red from the tears she has shed over the
weeks.  She has grown slow, sluggish from lack of exercise.  And
yet she denies the truth.  That she is falling apart because of
what her Darien did.  
  I look away from that pitiful figure that stares back at me.
The pitiful figure that is the real image of Serena.  Me.  I
don't really look like that, do I?  
  I toss the dress in my hands onto my body and brush my long
pigtails without looking once into the mirror, not wanting to
catch a glimpse of the frightening figure that stares back at me.
  When I come back down the stairs I find all of my friends,
Luna, and my mom sitting in the living room.  Raye and Amy sit on
the couch, Luna in Amy's lap.  Lita is standing in a very
comfortable position, leaning her elbow on the top of the TV. 
Mina is sprawled out on her stomach on the floor, her legs
swinging back and forth.  Then there's mom.  She's sitting in her
chair looking so happy.  Her eyes are shining like beacons in the
sun as she laughs with my friends.  
  My mom's great.  She always listens to my problems, comforts
me, never embarrasses me in front of my friends...In fact, all of
my friends say that I have the coolest mom on the planet.  All of
them feel comfortable talking to her.  
  Oh, and her relationship with Darien was wonderful.  He told me
once that she was like the mother he never had.  See, he had been
orphaned in a car crash when he was very young and had lost all
of his memory.  He never had a family until we started going out. 
Then he had a mother and a father and a younger brother and...a
wife, in a way.  
  Yeah, wife.  We were going to be married when I got older, he
said.  But now, that dream is completely destroyed.  
  "Ah, there she is," Lita suddenly shouts.  I try to put on a
smile as I jump the last step downstairs.  
  "Ready to go?" Mina asks as she shifts to a sitting position on
the rug.
  I nod, slowly letting the happy mood that fills the room seep
into me.  I want to feel happy, I really do.  But it's hard.  I
wonder how Darien feels.
  "Then let's go," says Amy as she stands, letting Luna leap off
her lap.  
  "Have fun, girls," mom says as she waves a cheerful good-bye to
us.
  "Gosh, your mom's so nice!" Mina comments as the six of us
start out for the mall, Luna at my heels.  "It's almost as if
she's your big sister and not your mother."
  "Not to mention she looks like your big sister and not your
mother too," Lita adds with a wink.
   I love it when people comment my mom like that.  It makes me
feel so good to know that she's well-liked by my friends.  
  I think people like my mom not just because of her personality,
but because she acts like a second mother toward them.  Or the
mother they never had if you're referring to Mina and Lita. 
Lita's parents died a long time ago in a plane crash.  I don't
know who Mina's parents are or what happened to them.  I just
know that she lives alone like Lita.
  Wow, when you really compare your life to other's you realize
how lucky you are, don't you?  I mean, I have the best mom in the
world, a loving father and brother, five great friends and...or I
used to have...the most wonderful guy I could ever ask for who
loved me to the same extent that I did.
  I suddenly hear a sound.  Familiar, it seems.  I haven't heard
it in awhile, for most people drive cars around here and
not...motorcycles!  Darien drives one!  I look quickly toward the
sound and, yes, it's a motorcycle.  It seems to be going very
slowly at first, but as it nears us, it speeds up.  I shield my
eyes from the sun to try and get a better look at the driver. 
The machine whizzes past us, kicking some dust up into my eyes,
causing me to look away.  
  That couldn't have been Darien.  Even if he hated me more than
any person on earth, he wouldn't drive that fast past me.  It's
not like him.  

  "Ok, here's the question of the day," I say as I emerge from
the dressing room with two dresses, one in each hand, "red or
blue?"
  Raye, Lita, and Mina look back and forth from one dress to the
other for a moment.
  "Um, I'd say blue," Raye answers.  "Red is really my color, not
yours."  The others nod their agreement.
  I take a glance at the dress in my left hand, its red tint
almost jumping from the cloth and blinding my eyes.  I shrug and
toss the piece of clothing in Raye's direction.  "Yeah, you're
right.  Why don't you try it on, Raye?"
  She catches the outfit and then passes it to Lita, who sits to
her right.  "I'd have to get a bigger size," she replies.  "This
would be way too small for me.  What about you, Lita?"
  Lita laughs as she passes the dress to Mina on her right.  "It
would be worse for me.  Imagine me, five feet six inches Lita,
trying to fit into Serena's clothes."  We all laugh at the
thought as Mina places the dress that was passed to her into a
pile of clothes on her right.  The pile of unwanted clothes that
we had tried on and didn't like.  
  Shopping almost always calms my nerves.  Whenever I'm feeling
sad, all you have to do is say "Serena, let's go buy you a new
dress" and I'll be outta that house in a second.  Usually, at
least.  I mean, today was different.  My depression was because
of something much deeper than it usually is.  What was it again? 
I don't even remember.  Luna was right.  This shopping trip was
good for me.  I've forgotten about...whatever it was that I was
so depressed about.
  "Say, where did Amy run off to?" I suddenly hear Mina ask.  For
the first time, I realize that Amy's gone.  
  "Yeah, she was here just a minute ago..." I add, looking around
the store.
  "Y'know, I remember hearing something about the bookstore,"
Raye says.  We all turn to her.  She's got this huge smirk on her
face.  Just like Amy.  Running off to the bookstore when she
can't get to the library.  We all start laughing again.
  I love my friends, I really do. I don't know what I'd do
without them.  Especially during this time in my life.  A time
when I'm grieving.  It's times like these when you really have to
count on the people close to you.  And I know I can.  I mean,
look at me: I'm laughing.
  "All right, Lita," Raye says as she rises with Lita's hand in
hers.  "It's your turn to head into the dressing room."
  "But I'm not done!" I squeal.  There was this really cool denim
outfit that I saw that I want to try on.
  Raye places her hands on her hips out of annoyance.  "Serena,
we made a deal that everyone would be able to try on four
outfits.  You've got your turn and now it's Lita's."
  "Oh, come on, Raye!" I plead.  "Just one more outfit.  Please,
please, please, please, please, PLEASE?"
  From her expression, it looks like she might start to shout at
me.  But suddenly her expression changes into a soft,
understanding look.  She smiles and says warmly, "All right.  But
just one, ok?"
  I knew she'd give in!  I know her too well.  I can persuade her
to do anything because we're so close, not that I try to take
advantage of her or anything.  "Cool!"  I cry as I skip off to
the rack where the outfit I want is hung up on.  I bring it to
the dressing room and just before I close the door I glance out
and say "Stand by," with a wink and shut the door.  We say that
every time we go into a dressing room.  What we mean is that if
the outfit is too small all we have to say is "too small!" and
one of your friends will go and get you a bigger size.  It's sort
of a ritual that we've always done when clothes shopping.  
  I slip off my clothes and slip on the pants and tank top that
is the outfit.  I turn to my reflection in the full-body mirror. 
No way.  It looks terrible!  The tank top's neck line is way too
low, the pants are baggy when they are supposed to be tight, the
straps of the shirt slip off of my shoulders...I just need a
bigger size, that's all.  Yeah.  Just a bigger size.
  "Too big," I call out uneasily.  I hear Lita's voice shout back
"ok" and I start to strip off the terrible outfit.
  A moment later, Lita's hand is reaching over the top of the
stall holding a smaller outfit.  "Thanks," I say as I grab it and
start to re-dress.  The same deal.  Everything is too big.  "Too
big," I call again.  
  Two sizes later, it still looks big on me.  I call out "Too
big" one more time, but instead of hearing the familiar "ok", I
hear Lita's voice saying, "It doesn't get any smaller."
  "What do you mean?" I call back.
  "I mean that's the smallest size there is.  If you go any
smaller, it will be way too short on you."
  "Why don't you try buffing up?" I hear Mina say with a giggle. 
Buffing up?  that's no joke.  I turn back to the mirror as I hear
a small slap and an, "Ow...Raye!!" coming from Mina.  I look at
myself like I had this morning, again naked.  I am too thin.  I
need to gain weight, not loose it.  But whenever I even try and
touch food I get this sick feeling followed by memories and pain. 

  I haven't eaten a full meal since we split up.  Again the pain
washes over me.  It surges up into my eyes and spills out of them
in the form of tears, gingerly washing my face with salt.  It
flows into my chest, creating sobs.  Dreadfully quiet sobs.  It
gushes into the rest of my body, causing me to shake a bit.  
  I hear whispering outside of the door.  Raye and another,
probably a sales lady.  "No, she's fine.  We're her friends. 
We'll handle it," Raye says.
  "Are you sure, because we have a man studying the medical field
on staff if you need anything..." the woman replies.
  "Thank you, but I don't think we'll be needing him," Raye
continues.
  "Serena, can you come out?"  Lita's soft voice fills my ears. 
I don't answer.  I just want to be alone.  Alone in this stall.  
  "Oh, this is all my fault," Mina whispers, her voice getting
further away as she continues.  "I never should have said that. 
It was meant to be a joke..." she gets so far away that I can't
hear her anymore.  And I don't care.  All I can think about is my
body.  How it has changed.  How I have changed since Darien left
me.  
  "Do you want me to get Luna?" Lita whispers through the door. 
They think Luna can calm me.  Luna usually does, but now I think
no one can calm me...except for Darien.  "She's right outside the
mall.  I can get the guards to let her in.  I'll make them. 
Serena..."
  "Leave me alone!" I shout.  All my emotions are filling me. 
All I want is for my body to look the way it did before and to
have it embraced by his body.  Darien's body.  "Darien!" I cry. 
"I want Darien!" 
  "Raye,"  Lita's voice seems far away.  As if far off in a
distant land.  "Raye, she needs you."
  "Serena, please come out.  We can help you," Raye soothes.
  "No one can help me!  Can't you see that?  I want Darien!  I
need him!  If you want to help, go get him, Raye," I cry out,
striking the white wall with my fist.  The tears sting my red
eyes, trickling down my cheek and blurring my vision.  There is
silence outside of the door.  They don't know what to do.  They
don't know how to help me.
  I press my back up against the wall, sinking to the floor. 
"Darien..." I murmur, the emotions now a bit more controlled.  
  
  Maybe ten minutes after that incident, I emerged from the
dressing room, pain in my eyes.  Mina sat on a bench on the
opposite side of the room with Amy comforting her.  I think she
showed up because of the commotion I caused.  Many women were in
the dressing room.  Some looked concerned, some looked disgusted. 
I was pulled straight into Raye's arms.  She held me close for
awhile with Lita on watch beside us.  We left after that, the
five of us.  
  We're heading toward the exit of the mall, my head resting on
Raye's shoulder as we walk.  Lita is clasping my hand and walking
in time with us.  Mina and Amy are ahead, walking a bit faster
than us.  Mina glances back every once and awhile.  I know she
feels bad for cracking that joke...that dumb joke that sent me
into a crying spree.  That made everything seem real to me.  Now
I realize: I've been in denial all of this time.  I couldn't let
what was happening to me sink in.  That I have a disorder.  I
haven't eaten, been out of the house, or exercised at all for
weeks.  And when I did, it was only for a short time.  For, just
like today, I would soon break down crying and have to go home. 
All I did at all was sit at home and think about him and how he
left me.  
  Now as I watch Mina's face, it slowly begins to disappear. 
Everything begins to disappear.  And suddenly out of the darkness
emerges a tall, slender figure.  He has a handsome, loving face
that smiles at me through bright blue eyes.  He offers me his
hand and I take it slowly.  He pulls me closer to him  and
whispers into my ear, "I will never leave you, Serena.  I will
always love you."  His voice seems so soothing, so sincere.  And
yet it feels unreal, like a dream.  But I don't care.  Darien is
standing before me, holding me close, telling me he loves me.  He
has returned to me, and he will never leave again.
  "Hey Serena," I hear a female voice whisper.  I slowly open my
eyes and look to my side where Mina is standing.  It had been a
dream.  Some sort of a daydream.  It seemed so real!  How I wish
it were real!  "Serena, I'm really sorry about earlier...you know
how I said that stuff about you," Mina says quietly.  "Will you
forgive me?"
  I look to her, my eyes on the verge of tears.  My little
daydream, I realize, will be the last I'll ever see of Darien in
that loving way.  He'll never hold me like that again, he'll
never caress my head and whisper that he loves me.  Never again.  
  I stare into Mina's face for a moment and without hesitation, I
leap from Raye's shoulder into Mina's arms, hugging her around
the neck.  She holds onto me as well, stroking my hair with her
hand.  I think we all took that as a "yes, I'll forgive you Mina"
from me.  
  We begin walking again, Mina and I hand in hand.  No one says a
word.  We travel in silence.  
  I suddenly feel a strange feeling.  A strange presence.  I look
around, my head shooting from one end of the mall to the other. 
I try to concentrate on the feeling a bit more.  It's not a sense
of evil.  It's a sense of...love.  Powerful love.  The only
person that could be generating these kind of energy would
be...Darien!  I turn to the stores closest to me, scanning for a
dark green jacket, the one he wears all the time.  He's not in
the video store, he's not in the toy store, he's not in the shoe
store, he's not in the CD...wait...there he is!
  I break away from Mina's grasp and run towards the store, my
sides aching from my crying fit before.  The girls try to stop
me, but I won't.  I have to talk to him.  I'll make him love me
if I have to!
  I near him with every step.  I get closer and closer and...oh
God.  He's there, all right.  But he's not alone.  He's with a
girl.  They're talking and smiling at eachother.
  I stop in my tracks.  How can he do this to me?  Do I mean
nothing?  Does he not care for me so much that he can just go
about his everyday business without one thought of me?  
  I just stand here in shock for a moment  My emotions are so
strong.  I want to kill him!  He hurt me more than he'll even
know and right away he starts flirting with girls!  I start out
on a run toward the store, but I feel a strong grip on my arm. 
"Let go!" I shout.  "I want to kill that bastard!  Bastard!"  I
try to wrench free of the grasp, but it is strong and firm.
  "Serena, you're out of control!" Lita shouts, dragging me back
to the group by my arm.  "Calm down."
  "Bastard!" I shout over and over.  My world is blurred by the
hot tears welling up in my eyes.  Did he notice?  Does he care? 
Do I care?
  No.  Why should I care about him?
  I feel an embrace.  Strong arms hold on to me, rocking me back
and forth in time with her.  I start to sob.  She brings my head
to her shoulder and strokes it gently as I cry. "You see, now,
what a bastard he is?" Raye whispers soothingly into my ear as
she holds me.  I don't answer.  But I know it's true.  He is a
bastard.  How could I have been so blind?  How could I just
pursue him like I did?  I was so stupid.
  We start to move.  In the direction of the door, I think.  It
feels like I'm standing still and moving at the same time.  My
world has changed and all I can think about is the cause. 
Darien.
  Raye suddenly lets go of me.  I try to cling to her.  I don't
want to be alone with this anymore.  But she begins to walk away. 
Another girl wraps her arms around me from behind.  I take a
quick glance back.  Amy.  I can see how concerned for me she is
in her eyes.  She smiles as I look to her and then both of our
attentions go to Raye.  She is slowly walking toward Darien.  
  Darien just stares at her for a moment.  Then, without taking
his eyes away from her, he kneels to the floor and places
something down.  As he moves away from it I can see it is Rini. 
Why is that pink haired freak here?  Did Darien go to my house to
get her?  How dare he go to my house!  I know Raye will set him
straight.  I don't dare to.  I'm through with him.  
  They walk to eachother, slowly eyeing the other.  They stand
face to face, tension in the air around them.  Finally Raye
speaks.  Her voice is low, intimidating.  I cannot hear exactly
what she says, but it makes Darien go white.  His eyes grow wide
for a moment and he looks like he's seen a ghost.  Raye's
frightened him.  But he doesn't move.  He stands there with that
frightened look on his face, swallowing heavily, until Raye turns
his back on him.  She looks back to me and winks slyly.
  I look back to Darien.  He's staring after her with that same
look.  Rini is at his side.  "Come on, let's go," Raye says
calmly as she takes my hand and starts to exit the building. 
"Took care of him good," she whispers to me.  I don't know why,
but as I glance behind at Darien, I feel a twinge of sympathy. 
But, come on.  Me feel sympathy for him, the bastard that used me
and dropped me?  No, it's impossible.

Chapter 3
Depression

  He's gone.  He's really gone.  He's never coming back.  Never. 
And look at what he's left in his wake.  I stare at myself in the
mirror, my oily skin, my thinning hair, my bony body.  I'm alone. 
Lost without him.  Depressed.  I haven't been to school,
nonetheless outside at all, since that day in the mall when I
realized what was going on in my life.  I haven't even gone near
the door.  All I've seen this whole week was the outside world
through my bedroom window and the horrible, thin figure in the
full-body mirror.  Luna came into my room a few times to try and
comfort me, but she just ended up making things worse.  
  My nights are sleepless, and when I do somehow drift off to
sleep, I am haunted with dreams of him.  
  The soft tune of my precious locket is the only thing keeping
me from doing something drastic.  Until now I've kept it locked
away in my dresser drawer, knowing that if I ever took it out I'd
begin to cry.  But four days ago when it was finally released
from the dark corners of it's hiding place, I had figured that
all my tears had been shed.  And I was right.  
  As it plays its beautiful melody, all I can do is listen.  I've
tried staring at it, but when I do, his face appears in my mind. 
Now it's permanent place is on top of the dresser it was once
stored in, where a picture of Darien and me used to stand.  
  I lay on my bed, letting the sweet music fill my empty soul. 
It plays day and night.  There is never a waking moment when I do
not hear it.  
  Curled up in the bed sheets, snuggled deep into pillows, and
tucked away under the quilt is where I lay, listening to my dear 
locket play.  I feel completely drained, weak.  The air
conditioning is turned down low, but I feel hot.  I slowly sit
up, tearing the sheets away from my damp body.  I sit here for a
moment, letting the nausea escape from my body before I stand. 
My feet can hardly support me as I place them on the cold,
linoleum floor and rise.  
  Right away I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I look
worse than I did yesterday.  I scan myself quickly, surveying my
broken body.  There is nothing I can do to change myself. 
Depression has mastered me completely.  It's done more to me than
any physical accident can ever do.  
  As I stare at the reflection in the mirror, a wave of anger
sweeps over me.  Anger and hatred for Darien.  He did this to me. 
He left me alone with my hurt and pain.  He casted me aside like
I was nothing without any explanation.  He's killing me.
  I suddenly leap toward the mirror, my eyes a fiery red.  With a
burst of force, I jam my small fist into the horrid thing, right
into the reflection of my face.  The image shatters into one
million pieces, all falling to the floor in small, sharp
fragments.  They scatter, piercing the skin of my legs and arms,
creating small specks of blood all over my body.  The pain fills
me again as I sink to the floor, my face filled with tears.  
  My fist swells to amazing size and color as I grasp it tightly
to my chest.  The strength I just presented was amazing.  But
that fact is of little concern to me now.  I couldn't handle
staring at myself everyday, so I broke the mirror.  
  I fall backwards from my knees to my back, crying, sobbing into
my hands.  Some shards of glass pierce my nightgown, jamming into
my back, but I don't care.  All I can think about is that Darien
has killed me and there is nothing I can do about it.  

  The glass glistens in the dim light of a sunset.  Hours after
it had appeared on the floor from my blow to the mirror it still
remains.  
  Luna stares at me now.  Her dark green eyes glow as they rest
upon my face.  The face that has been buried in my arms since the
incident with the mirror.  An hour ago she just walked casually
into my room, took a glance at the shards of glass on the floor,
and, without a word, took her place in the corner, where she has
been there ever since.  
  I turn away to face the window once more.  To feast my eyes on
the beautiful colors and shades.  A long pigtail of gold falls
over my left eye.  I reach a small hand to it, touching it,
running my fingers through it.  It is not soft and silky like it
once was, but hard and rough and thin.  It's not a thing of
beauty anymore, my pride and joy as it was, but a nuisance, an
ugly bother.  
  I rub strands of the faded mop between two fingers for a moment
thoughtfully.  My eyes come to rest on my dresser.  Tucked away
in the drawer my locket had been stored in is, I remember, a
knife.  I had bought it weeks ago when this first happened,
thinking I might be driven to use it someday.  
  I slowly crawl to the drawer.  As my hand reaches in and
retrieves the desired object, I hear a small gasp.  I turn
quickly to Luna, her eyes are wide and frightened.  She has
shifted to a standing position.  She's ready to strike me if I
ever tried to use it in the wrong way.  I smile lightly at her,
which paints a confused countenance on her face.  
  I place the silver blade on the table in front of me and raise
my hands to the "balls" on my pigtails.  I rip the bands that
used to hold them in out of my hair and toss them to the floor. 
Luna watches in amazement as I bring my knife to my hair and
begin to saw at it, letting clumps of it drift to the floor.  
  I feel free somehow.  The cool air wraps itself around the back
of my neck, dissolving sweat that has formed there.  My old, ugly
pigtails are gone.  Now no one, not even Darien, will be able to
call me "Meatball head".  
  "Serena..." a faint voice begins, "you cut your hair!"
  I turn my head swiftly to the side, not feeling the usual whip
of hair across my back.  Raye is standing there, her eyes wide
and her mouth open.  "Your beautiful, beautiful hair!" she
comments, just a little louder, as she rushes to my side, bending
down to grasp the golden strands that lay about my feet.  
  "It wasn't beautiful," I protest.  "It was a nuisance."
  She turns to me, her eyes still wide in disbelief.  "You always
said your hair was your pride..." she murmurs as she stares into
my eyes.  
  As I watch, her eyes begin to fill up with hot, wet tears. 
They spill over the sides of her eyes, trickling down her cheek. 
She slowly opens her arms wide, offering me a hug.
  I sit here staring at her.  I haven't talked to anyone in days,
besides Luna.  The moment I catch a glimpse of a person up close,
she offers me a hug.  I feel so grateful and so sad at the same
time.  What had I just done?  I chopped off my hair, my pride and
joy.  I chopped it off so Darien wouldn't be able to call me
"Meatball head" anymore.  Should I care if he calls me that?  No. 
And I did, and made a drastic mistake.  I throw myself at her,
grasping to the fabric of her jacket.  I let out huge sobs, which
make my chest ache, but my eyes stay dry.  I'm all cried out.  I
can't cry anymore.  Raye just strokes my head calmly, letting me
do whatever I need to do to let my feelings out.  
  Luna is caressing the side of my leg, now, with her soft fur. 
It feels good against my bare skin.  Comforting, warm.  
  After my sobbing dies down, I ask softly, "How did you get in?"
  She sighs.  "Your mom.  She looks...really upset.  She's
worried about you, Serena.  She doesn't know what to do  She
thought maybe I could cheer you up."  She pushes me away gently
and looks into my eyes.  "Do you want me to stay awhile?" she
asks, wiping a tear away from her cheek and smiling.  
  I nod slowly and a small smile creeps over my own face.  She
embraces me once again.  We rock back and forth on the floor for
a few minutes until we hear a small sound.  Raye breaks away
quickly as she comments, "The communicator."  Luna looks up at
her from the floor as she reaches into her bag, pulling out the
small communicator.  "What's up, Mercury?" she asks it, as Amy's
face appears.
  "Mars, we need you right now.  Rubeus has got Molly, Serena's
friend.  I'm not sure what he wants, but, for Serena's sake, we
have to rescue her," Amy finishes.  
  I suddenly gasp.  Molly?  What does Rubeus want with her?  Raye
turns to glance at me for a moment before turning back to the
communicator.  "I'll be right there," she says quietly.
  "Oh," Lita's voice rings out from over Amy's shoulder, "do
Serena a favor and don't tell her about this.  She doesn't need
to have something else on her mind right now."  
  "Jupiter's right," Amy says forcefully.  "Make sure she doesn't
find out.  The last thing we need is for Serena to..." her voice
trails off.
  Raye nods.  "All right," Lita cuts in.  "See you in a minute,
Mars."  The image disappears and Raye closes the top of the
communicator.  
  "Don't tell me?" I murmur.  "They don't want you to tell me? 
One of my good friends is in danger and they don't want you to
tell me?"  My voice rises in fervor as I rise to my feet, Raye
close behind.  
  "Serena, what are you doing?" she says as she tries to get me
back to the floor.  I push away from her and start for the door.
  "Getting my friend back," I say determinedly.  
  She gasps.  "Serena, no," she cries.  "You're not strong
enough.  Please, let the other scouts handle this!"
  A sudden feeling of power rushes over me.  I feel stronger. 
Determined.  I will get Molly back!
  I take off at a run, with Raye and Luna at my heels.  I bound
down the stairs into the living room.  My mother is sitting on
the couch staring into space with a pained look in her eye.  She
turns to me, all color rushing from her face.  "Serena! 
Your...your hair...where are you going?  You're in your
pajamas...Serena!"  So many things are rushing through her mind
about me.  So many questions.
  I answer with, "I'm going out mom!"
  "Serena, come back!" mom sobs.  "Raye, go get my baby back!"
  Raye bursts out of the front door behind me shouting, "Serena,
you can't do this!  Let me and the other scouts handle it!"
  I begin to slow, tiring easily.  But I turn for a moment to
look at her.  "No, Molly is in trouble and it's my duty to help
her!" I say.  I shoot my head to the sky and, with all my might,
shout, "MOON CRYSTAL POWER!"
  A beam of light engulfs me, spinning me around.  My gloves,
boots, and tiara appears.  I have become Sailor Moon.  
  "Serena, no!" Raye cries as I take off again.  As I turn a
corner I can faintly hear her shout, "MARS STAR POWER!" 
  The two of us gallop down the road, Mars nearing me every step. 
My now short hair does not flow out behind me like it used to. 
It just whips about, tangled in itself.  I wish I never cut it.
  Ahead of me there is a crossroad.  Out from behind a wall
sprints Mercury, Venus, and Jupiter.  They take one look at me as
I pass and begin to run with Mars shouting my name, calling
desperately for me to stop.  But I won't.  I have to save Molly
and stop the Negaverse.  
  Suddenly a burst of light.  Out of nowhere.  I stop dead in my
tracks, gaping at it from a safe distance.  The others stop just
behind me, staring at the bright purple light before us.  
  Suddenly a figure steps out.  An aura of evil surrounds him. 
Deep, frightening evil that sends tingles up my spine.  His dark
red hair is teased up, almost spiked.  His posture, tall and
intimidating.  This is Rubius.  
  He steps down from his portal, looking at me straight in the
eye.  I try to leave his gaze to look for Molly, but I feel
almost drawn to him.  Like if I look away, he might leap at me,
tearing me apart like a wild animal.  "Ha," he gloats, his eyes
narrowing as he stares deeper into my eyes, "You fell for that
stupid decoy."  His eyes narrow further and his voice grows lower
in pitch.  "I didn't think you were that dumb..."  His face
suddenly changes to somewhat of a sneer.  "Oh, wait a
minute...yes I did."  He lets out an eerie, destructive laugh,
hitting me out of nowhere.  I stumble backward, falling straight
into Jupiter's arms.  
  "But...but Mercury said Molly was in trouble..." I stutter as
Jupiter's strong arms lift me to my feet.  
  "I told you, just a decoy," Rubius says.  "Now..."  The
laughing dies down.  He turns his head slowly to me, his eyes
illuminating with a fiery red.  "The reason I asked you all
here," he begins. "Well, you see, lately, you've been bugging me. 
Every time I try and take over a crystal point,"  he raises his
hands in the air and growls, "I am Sailor Moon!  The champion of
justice!  And on behalf of the moon, I will punish you!"  He lets
out a low cackle, letting it build as he continues.  "Well, you
see, girls.  It's not fair if you get to do all of the punishing. 
So now," his laughing, which has reached its peak now, cuts short
and his eyes, filled with fire, dart to me.  His hands are raised
high in the air and I can see power beginning to form, "it's my
turn."  he thrusts his hands forward, sending the power spiraling
toward us.  In a burst of screams I am pulled away.  I look back
top the spot where the power landed just to see if everyone is
ok, and then I look up to find Jupiter grasping my waist.  She
pulled me out of the way earlier.  But she isn't looking at me. 
Her eyes are narrowed, just as Rubius's are, and she's staring at
him. "That's right!" Rubius shouts.  "Run away!  Desert this fine
invitation!"
  We've scattered to various parts of the street.  Mars is out in
the middle, Mercury is a few feet to her left, Venus is at her
right, and now Jupiter leaves my side to join them.  I stand off
to the side of the road, not knowing weather to run to them to
help them or to stay here and let them take care of it.  
  I look down, trying to think harder.  I never was a good
decider.  Don't count on me to make decisions.  Suddenly I hear
the shrill cry of Mars.  "Sailor Moon!" she shouts.  I look up to
find a huge purple light coming at me with great speed.  I don't
know what to do.  I'm frozen.  I shut my eyes, look away, and
scream as loud as I can.
  Suddenly a burst of force hits me from the side.  I am pushed
out of the way.  I think I might fall to the ground from the
impact, but long, slender arms hold me tightly, shielding me from
the beam of light that explodes just a few feet from us.  
  I'm shaking all over.  I could have been killed!  I would be
dead right now if it weren't for...I slowly open my eyes to stare
up at Mars.  Mars saved me.  I look into her eyes to see that
she's crying. "Please, Sailor Moon," she whispers.  "You can't do
this.  You'll be hurt!  Please say you'll let the other scouts
handle this."  She sniffs and draws me closer to her, "Please..."
  I can see how much she cares about me.  I can see that if I
ever died she'd be devastated.  But now Rubius has gone too far. 
He'd made a decoy using Molly's voice to bring us here.  He's
tried to hurt me and my friends.  He's gone too far.  My eyes
narrow as I stare at him in disgust. "No, I'm going to win this
one," I mutter.  
  I feel a shaking.  Mars has a grip on my shoulders and is
shaking me.  I look back to her.  I look back to her tear-stained
face, her hot, red eyes.  "Please," she says, a bit louder than
before.  
  Suddenly I hear a crash and a scream.  Purple light fills the
area around Mars and me, accompanied my a deep laugh from
Rubius's direction.  We shoot into the air, just a few feet from
ground, powered by the electricity that flows through Mars's
body.  She tries to scream but no sound escapes her mouth.  We
plummet back to the ground, falling to the hard pavement with a
thud.  Mars lies on top of me, twitching but, other than that,
not moving.
  "Mars!" Venus cries from the other side of the road.  I stare
at her weak body in my arms.  Rubius hurt her, like Darien hurt
me.  Mercury is behind me now, helping me to my feet.  She
glances at me as she kneels to Mars's side, trying to revive her. 

 Jupiter stares first as Mars's motionless body then at Rubius,
her eyes glowing with fire.  "All right.  That's it, Nega-punk!"
she shouts.  "JUPITER THUNDER CRASH!"  Power electrocutes from
her tiara, headed straight for Rubius.  But he dodges with ease.
  "Is that all you got?" he gloats with a laugh.
  He's gone too far.  Rubius has gone too far.  He's hurt Mars,
humiliated Jupiter, and enraged me.  He's gone too far.  "Now
you're gonna get it!" I cry, surprised at my burst of
determination.  I jab my fist at my Moon Scepter, raising it high
into the air aimed at Rubius.  We stare at eachother for a
moment, our eyes locked.  He's just as cocky as always, but now
with a twinge of fear.  He's afraid of me.  Is it the look in my
eyes?  Can it be that frightened of me?  Could it-
  The wonderful feeling of power, energy that has engulfed me
suddenly disappears.  The scepter begins to feel heavy.  I feel
weaker, feeble.  I can't hold onto it much longer.
  The scepter plummets, falls out of my hands, hitting the
concrete with a thud that echoes over the landscape, sending
chills up my spine.  It's not the noise that chills me.  It's
that this symbolizes that I have grown too weak to fight.  "I'm
too weak," I hear my small, pitiful voice whisper.  
  Rubius stands before me, all fear gone from his face.  My eyes
wander back to the scepter lying before me as he mutters,
"Weakling."  I'm too weak.  I'm too weak to help my friends.  I
might as well be dead.  
  Suddenly, a flash of light.  Two different sources.  One
purple, one red, both coming at me at lightning speed.  I shoot
my head up, but I catch no image, for the purple light hits me in
the chest.  I am thrown back, hitting something, and falling to
the ground.  The pain in my chest in enormous.  It devours me,
consumes me.  I can't concentrate on anything else but the pain.  
  I cannot move.  I cannot think.  All there is is pain.
  Until I am lifted.  Lifted by an unknown force, full of love
and devotion, caring and passion.  We fly through nothingness,
suspended in midair.  Floating, dancing without strings.  The
pain seems to be lifted from my body like sheets from a bed.  I
slowly open my eyes to gaze upon my savior, but as I stare at him
in horror, the pain comes shooting at me.  Now deeper than it
once was.  For my savior is Tuxedo Mask.  Darien.  
  He gazes back at me through his white mask, his eyes locked on
me.  I feel limp again.  The pain is so much stronger now, for it
is physical and emotional pain as well.  We stare at eachother,
almost waiting for the other to say something.  A word, a phrase,
just something to break the horrible silence.  The only thing I
can think of: "And, yet, you still save me."  He stares at me in
horror for a moment, his eyes looking as if they might shed a
tear.  He swallows deeply and turns his head frontward, guiding
us into a land.
  He places me down gently and kneels before me slowly, staring
into my eyes.  He takes up my hand from my side and holds it in
his, delicately holding it, squeezing it, caressing it.  He
brings our hands to his face, letting mine stroke it tenderly,
letting me feel his warmth.
  What is he doing?  Is he trying to comfort me?  No, he's trying
to comfort himself.  He doesn't want to see me like this, lying
here unable to move.  I will not be his barbie doll anymore.  I
will not sit by and, when he wants to play, let him take me out
and prance me around like a toy.  I will not let him use me
anymore.  
  I pull my hand forcefully away from his, letting it drop to my
chest.  He stares at it for a moment, tears forming in his eyes. 
"Sailor Moon," he whispers, bringing his face closer to mine so
he can be heard, "I must tell you something...before I loose my
nerve."
  I glance over his shoulder at the others, Mars lying still in
the grass with Mercury hovering over her, and Jupiter and Venus
struggling to overcome Rubius's awesome power.
  "No," I murmur, shaking my head, "not now.  The Scouts.  They
need you."  I suddenly feel a lump in my throat.  This awkward
moment turns into a sad, depressing realization for me.  Darien
was always a bastard.  He liked to use me for his pleasures and
then drop me as if I was nothing.  "Please," I repeat, trying to
stay away from his gaze.  The lump begins to grow and, when I try
to breathe, I wheeze.  He reaches a gloved hand slowly to my neck
to try and lift me up so my wheezing will stop.  But I push him
away.  I don't need him.  I can be strong.  Alone.  I sit up with
much effort and come to meet him face to face.  "Please," I say
again, trying to stop my voice from quivering so much.  
  After a moment, he stands, letting his hands drop to his sides. 
With the usual flip of his cape, he leaps off the rooftop and
back toward the battle.

  The dim light of the moon shines through my closed lids.  I
hear voices around me, small murmurs that sound very far away,
although I know they are right next to me.  I feel weak and
drained.  The pain I felt before is just as strong now as it was
then.
  I don't remember much of what happened.  There was a fight. 
Rubius.  He hit Mars in the back and knocked her out.  I tried to
stop him with my Moon Scepter, but I failed...because I was too
weak.  I was hit, and Tuxedo Mask rescued me from further damage. 
Tuxedo Mask rescued me.  How could he do that?  How could he put
me through so much emotionally by just showing up?
  I slowly open my eyes, my vision blurred, not from tears, but
from the hurt that fills me inside.  Four figures are knelt
beside me.  They're trembling, just like I am.  I try to speak,
but my lips won't form the words.  Someone to my left slowly
reaches her hand toward my face, gently caressing my forehead for
a moment.  I feel pressure on my right hand.  Someone is
squeezing it tightly, never wanting to let go.  There are two in
front of me, one seems to be struggling.  Her head keeps turning
away from me, then looking back for a moment.  The other does not
move.  She stands, leaning on the other's shoulder for support,
motionless, just staring at me.  She slowly leans her face toward
mine, kissing my forehead lightly.  It's Mars, for I can see her
face now that it is closer to mine.  
  I feel another presence.  It's him, I know it is.  I can't see
him, but I know he's here.  "Where..." I murmur, swallowing hard,
"where is he?"  The others first look to me with shock, then to
eachother.
  "He's gone," Jupiter says softly as she squeezes my hand
tighter.  "He's gone, Serena, and you don't have to worry about
him any longer."
  "No he's not," I whisper, my voice growing weaker with the rest
of my body.  "I feel him.  He's here."  
  There is another long silence, and finally Venus leans her face
towards mine and says, "He should be gone from your life.  You
don't need him."
  "I mean look what he's done to you!" Mercury cries, breaking
the silence.  They all turn at her sudden outburst.  The whole
time that I was going through this, she has remained silent about
it, almost afraid to express her feelings.  But now she lets them
out with a shout and a cry.  "I don't want to see you like this,"
she continues, "I want nothing else than to see you better. 
You're..." her voice becomes lower as tears fill her eyes,
"you're the best friend I've ever had, Serena."  She flings
herself at Jupiter, tears trickling down her cheeks.  Jupiter
silently caresses her neck and head in a motherly way, while
Venus shifts positions so she can support Mars on her shoulder
now.  "My whole life I've been outcasted because people thought I
was too smart.  They called me brainy and Einstein Jr. and...and
it made me feel bad to be smart," she continues, talking halfway
into Jupiter's uniform.  "So when I came to your school, I
thought it would be the same way.  But then you came along. 
Sweet, lovable Serena came along and became my friend.  And
I didn't feel like an outcast anymore."
  "I know how you feel, Amy," Jupiter says softly.  Mercury looks
up slowly, wiping a tear away from her eye as Jupiter speaks. 
"I've been suspended from so many schools.  And you all know why. 
Because I got in too many fights.  No one understood me.  All the
guys thought I was 'macho-bitch', as they called me. Some tried
to pick fights with me and some tried to tease me by asking me
out.  They knew that that was my weak point.  Guys, that is.  The
girls were all afraid of me.  They thought I'd beat them up if
they got too close.  So I was alone most of my life.  Until I
came to your school, Serena.  You were a sweet innocence that,
for once, wasn't afraid of me.  You liked me.  You didn't avoid
me like everyone else did.  And you gave me a friend."
  I hear a small sniff to my other side.  I turn to see Mars with
a small tear in her eye.  "Serena, I don't know what to say. 
You've...I've always felt so close to you, even though I didn't
always show it.  I know I was always fighting with you and
calling you 'crybaby', but...well, I never told this to anyone,
but you reminded me of my little sister."  She pauses.
  "You don't have a little sister, Raye," Venus says slowly.  
  "I did once," Mars continues, looking up toward the sky.  "She
was killed in a car accident when she was very young.  I loved
her dearly.  Almost as much as...as I love you, Serena.  You're
like my little sister.  And me, I'm your big sister.  We love
eachother and I take care of you."  She smiles, her deep brown
eyes sparkling.  "Sisters are supposed to fight sometimes, aren't
they?"  She gently takes my hand in hers and holds it tightly,
trying to keep her toothless smile painted on her face.
  "Oh, Raye," I murmur.  She just poured her heart out to me,
telling me one of her deepest, darkest secrets so easily.  I now
realize that I've always felt the same way about her and Lita and
Mina and Amy.  Raye most of all.  She's a big sister to me.  My
big sister.  I sit up slowly with the help of Venus and wrap my
arms around her, embracing my big sister.  
  "Serena," she whispers so only I can hear, "you can't go.  We
all need you.  I need you."  And I realize that this is true, for
the others all told me how much they cared.  Even Mina, who
remained silent.  I know she cares.  She just doesn't know how to
express it.  I hold onto Raye tighter with one hand and stretch
out my other toward my friends.  They all come to me and at
once we are in a huge hug.  A hug that generates love and
affection.  For a moment, the pain inside and out disappears. 
All there is is us.  There is no Darien who can hurt me.  Tare me
apart.  All there is is us.  

Chapter 4
A Prison Never To Be Opened

  The queer smell of a strange room fills my nostrils.  The odd
feeling of unfamiliar bed sheets fills my body with uncertainty. 
I suddenly feel a twinge of fear.  Where am I?  What is this
strange room?  I slowly open my eyes to find a dimly lit hospital
room.  The silence is chilling and I shiver beneath the quilt
draped over my tiny body.
  The vague memory of last night slowly returns to me and my fear
dissipates.  After I detransformed last night, I was rushed here. 
I can remember only so much, but I know that my friends were with
me the whole time.  I remember their warmth around me as we rode
in the ambulance, Raye right by my side, holding my hand.  
  I feel weak, tired, and pained.  My thoughts wander to Darien,
as they have for the past few weeks.  I remember, just last week,
the day in the mall.  The way I had cried over him in the
clothing store and made a fool of myself in front of the whole
place.  Then, the way he was flirting with that girl in the music
store...He caused me this grief.  It was he who locked me in
this prison of pain and sorrow and death.  He might as well just
have come and stabbed me in the heart with a sharp blade.  Either
way, my heart would have shattered and, in its place, a new,
colder heart would have grown.  That new stone heart is reserved
just for him.  He has no place in me anymore, except for that
stone prison.  The love I once felt for him is gone, and will
never return.  He pushed it away, so it will be away.  I don't
care anymore.  
  I've used my week of depression wisely, I suppose.  I thought
of him an nothing else.  But, from all of that thinking, I drew a
conclusion.  Men are complete bastards.  They don't care one bit
about their girl.  They just use them for pleasure.  A girl
should never get too attached, or else what has happened to me
will happen to them.  I've let Darien destroy me.  Kill me.  
  It doesn't seem fair.  I did nothing wrong and, yet, I am the
one to pay.   I bet Darien is just walking around, riding around,
or doing whatever in a care-free sort of way right now, not even
thinking of the wilting flower that he has forgotten to water,
lying here in her hospital bed, alone and scared.
  I want desperately to let him know how I feel about him now,
how I finally realize how the world works, although it's a little
too late.  I want to tell him to his face that he is the most
disgusting person the face of the earth, and make him feel the
pain that I've felt.  But I doubt I'll ever see him again.
  I slowly close my lids, letting the slow feeling of death wash
over me.  Maybe I can get one more night's sleep in.  Death, I
think, isn't nearly as painful in sleep as death while conscious.
  I begin to drift, floating on the waves of the ocean of death. 
The pure realization finally reaches me: I am dying.  I might
die.  But I can't die.  Death is only supposed to happen to those
who have sinned.  Bu now I realize that anyone can die.  Even me. 
My horrible new discovery now fills me with fear.  I have my
whole life to live.  I can't just die now, not now when I've
finally discovered the truth about Darien.  If I were well, I'd
be able to continue on.  But I'm not.  It seems unreal, like a
dream.  A horrible nightmare that I want to wake from quickly.  
  I suddenly hear a small creaking of a door and soft footsteps
in the room.  Another is here to see me.  I had told the nurses
earlier that I wanted to be alone, and to turn anyone asking for
me away.  But someone is here, and I want them out.
  "I told you," I manage to whisper, "no visitors."
  The figure in the doorway responds with silence.  The room is
still for a moment as I wait for it to leave.  Finally a
delicate, male voice speaks to me softly.  "Serena, it's me," he
whispers.  
  The voice is familiar.  It seems like an eternity since I've
heard it.  It's the voice of passion, understanding, and love. 
It's the voice of Darien.
  I let a small gasp escape my mouth.  My heart begins to beat
faster in alarm.  Why is he here?  Why did he come?  Then I begin
to tremble at the thoughts germinating in my evil mind.  He's
come to gloat.  He's come to show me that he doesn't need me, and
that I am a fool for pursuing him so long.  "How dare you," I
choke out.  I begin to cough.  All of the new discoveries I am
making about Darien is overwhelming, and my weak body can't
handle it.  
  In the blink of an eye he is at my side, holding out a glass of
water.  This feat amazes me and confuses me at the same time.  I
don't know what to make of it.  "You need this, Serena," he
coaxes, holding the glass out to me.  Now he's trying to help me? 
What is with him?  Does he enjoy making other people's lives
miserable?  I continue to ignore him.  "Serena," he continues. 
My coughing dies down and now I can stare at him through the
still darkness.  His face is twisted into a concerned expression. 
I can also see pain there.  Pain?  The only reason I would see
pain there is if...he's mocking me.  
  In a burst of anger I thrust my hand toward him, striking his
outstretched hand with incredible force, sending the glass of
water flying.  
  "Why are you here?" I demand, wanting to know the answer more
than anything, for the answer will finish off my conclusions
concerning him.  I can hear him stumbling over his words, trying
carefully to choose them well.  
  "I love you," he finally says, in such a way that he sounded
almost sincere.  But I know that's not true.  He can't love me
after all he did to me.  In spite of it all I begin to laugh.  It
comes out low and intimidating as I hoped it would.  I feel him
shrink back, his soul completely shattered like mine.  I feel a
sense of satisfaction suddenly.
  "You love me?" I ask, that sense of satisfaction building in my
being.  "You, Darien, who has pushed me away all this time and
acted like I was no one, loves me?"  I can feel my laugh building
in my throat as he looks at me painfully.  
  "Serena, please listen to me," he whispers finally.
  His voice sounds somehow soothing to my ears.  Pitifully soft
and, yet, desperate at the same time.  My laughing ceases and I
come to stare at him.  He is asking me to sit back and listen to
him make excuses.  He'll make up reasons and blame my state all
on me and what I did.  But I know that I didn't do anything.
  "No," I say.  That one word, that one powerful word, seems to
come out strong and meaningful, just the way I wanted it to.
  He seems taken aback by my sudden power, an his face shows it,
but he continues to plead for my ears to listen to him.  First
with his eyes and then with his desperate voice, "Serena-"
  "NO!" I cry, pounding a fist on the bed next to me.  It would
be too painful to listen to his excuses.  I don't have to listen
to them.  I don't have to listen to the sweet sound of his voice,
don't have to stare into those deep, blue eyes, don't have to
watch his jet-black hair sway back and forth in time with the air
and long to place my fingers in it.  This is what I've wanted for
the past month or so, to be with him, for him to want me.  But,
yet, it isn't.  I can feel the tension in the air, strong and
real.  I can't give into him.  The same thing will happen again
and again and again until I am finally left with nothing.  No
matter how much attraction I feel for him, I have to keep it in
check.  To me, he's like a toy to a child in a store.  The child
wants the toy, but when she leave the store without it, her
desire disappears and her interest is directed to something else. 

  My desire for him will disappear as soon as he leaves.  But the
pain he has caused me will take some time.  I may even die
without it leaving my body and mind.  My mind begins to dwell on
the thoughts I was thinking before Darien stepped into the room. 
Those painful thoughts about death and pain.  I have to remember
that Darien caused me all that.  What I feel for him in this room
is no longer love, but physical attraction.  It's not real love,
like the love we felt before.  If I feel anything at all, it is
hate.  Hate for him and what he did.  
  My breathing begins to slow as I become focused again.  "No," I
say again, back to my normal whisper.  "I will not listen to
you."
  "Serena, this important to me," he begs, shifting closer to me. 
He expects me to actually listen with an open heart to something
incredibly important to him, when he couldn't do the same for
me.
  "So was this, Darien," I say coldly as I place my hand on my
heart.  "So was this."  My heart was important to me.  But he had
broken it into so many pieces that it is impossible to repair.
  I can faintly see the dim light reflecting off small tears on
his cheek.  "Serena, you have to trust me.  You have to trust
that I love you," he says, trembling.
  "Trust you?" I ask in disbelief.  He expects so much out of me,
like I'll still always be here for him like I always was.  Like
he can tell me anything and trust  me with it.  Like I love him.  
  He swallows deeply, breathing back new tears that begin to
form.  "Yes," he says.  "You have to listen to me now.  I've been
trying to work up the nerve to tell you this since it all began."
I can sense an excuse forming on his lips.  A terrible excuse
that will surely shatter me again.  I open my mouth to stop him,
but hold my emotions back, now a little curious to how much he
thinks I'll believe.  "The day I said that...that we shouldn't be
lovers," he begins, "Well, I had seen these...these terrible
visions.  They told me that I couldn't love you or else
you'd...you'd die.    So I did the only thing I could.  I never
knew it would hurt you this much."
  I remain silent.  What a dumb excuse!  I thought I'd see better
from a man like Darien.  "I don't believe you," I reply softly.
  His eyes grow wide in shock.  "What?" he asks.
  And he expects me to believe it too.
  "I don't believe you," I repeat.  "It's amazing what you'd go
through just to please yourself," I add, watching with a feeling
of almost pleasure as he shrinks back again with the shock of me
finding out his little game.
  "What do you mean?" he asks quietly.
  "You know what I mean," I say.  "You just made that whole thing
up because your conscious got in the way.  You didn't want my
death to sit on your shoulders the rest of your damn life.  So
you made up that story so I'd forgive you and be all right.  Well
that's not going to happen, Darien.  I'm not going to follow you
blindly anymore.  Pursue you when all you want is me out of your
life.   I will never again drool and squeal and comment on how
dreamy you are as you exit with a swish of your cape and leave me
to battle the monsters, inside and out, alone."  
  "What are you saying?"
  "I'm saying that I am accepting the fact that you are the most
cold, heartless, uncaring man that I have ever met."  I take a
deep breath and conclude with, "And that I don't love you
anymore."  My words echo in and out of me, the truth finally
settling in and wrapping itself up tight in my heart.  
  I take a good look at myself inwardly.  I'm not the young,
naive little girl I was a month ago.  I've felt the undying love
for one man.  I felt the feeling of devotion, that I felt that I
could never let him go.  I've felt the pain of heartbreak, the
realness of depression. I felt the power of good-bye.  
  And now as I sit here, his heart beating rapidly with the shock
I just gave him, I feel somehow complete.  Like I couldn't die
without telling him my feelings.  He finally knows.  And he will,
weather I live or die.  
  A small, muffled gasp escapes his throat.  It sounds almost
like a cry.  He puts his hand on mine, taking it up to his lips,
kissing each finger one by one, then holding my hand up to his
warm face, sending warmth through me.  "Please don't die," he
whispers.  "I need you.  I need you."
  He needs me?  I needed him.  But you didn't see him rushing
away from whatever he was doing to comfort me.  He holds tighter
to my hand, and I can feel his salty tears trickling between my
fingers.  He's crying.  I've never seen him cry like this before. 
He must still have strong feelings for me...But how can that be? 
Why would he do all of what he did, then, and cause me all of
this?  Unless the story he told me was true...
  I swiftly pull my hand away, realizing that his acting ability
is superior to mine.  A cry follows from him as I say coldly,
"Leave.  Get out before I have to call the nurses."
  His head plunges into his hand and for a moment he just sits
like that, twisted into complete pain.  Then he looks up at me
again, his eyes now red with the hot tears, his soft cheeks
stained with them.  "I can't," he cries softly, emitting
depression and pain with his voice.  He sounds hopelessly lost,
but my mind is now and forever shut off from him and it means
nothing to me.
  "Go." I say forcefully, my voice rising a bit.
  He wipes his face, now hot with sweat and tears, with is hand
slowly.  I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to watch him leave.  I
never want to see him again.  Never.  And I probably won't,
because I'll probably die today.
  I feel him stand, running his fingers through my short, stubby
hair one last time.  He starts for the door, stumbling slightly
with the realization that this is the last time he'll see me.  
  The door creaks softly as he opens it.  There is an aura of
hesitation in the air, and suddenly I want to call out his name. 
I had shut myself off from him, had told him off, that bastard,
but suddenly I feel a longing.  A strong, burning desire for him
to hold me in his arms and kiss me.  But what he has done to me
is unforgivable, and I can't return to him acting like it never
happened.  I feel hate and love for him, the emotions swirling
around my weak head.
  Another creak and a click.  The door shuts, leaving silence in
the room.  But I am not alone.  A figure stands, slumping at the
door.  The same tall, handsome figure that crouched beside me
moments ago.  Darien is refusing to leave.  Deep inside, my anger
burns.  He just can't respect me, can he?  I want to shout at
him, to smack him twice in the face and shout 'bastard'
one-thousand times.  But I don't.  I silently feel a twinge of
hope that we may still have a chance.  
  I feel so confused.  I'm not sure what I want.  It felt good to
finally tell him off.  It still does feel good to know that he
finally knows how I feel and that memory will always stay with
him.  But, for a reason unknown to me, I strangely wish for us to
start over.  Now that he knows and can respect me, we can start
over, he holding that knowledge to his heart.  
  But one large barrier stands in our way.  he has killed me with
this pain and now I may die.  I may die before we have a second
chance.
  The floor creaks softly as he steps with light feet across the
carpeted floor.  He sits down, silently, in a chair by my bed,
breathing slowly.  I feel close to him, the feeling of us as one
visible again.  
  I have to decide what I want.  I have to decide what is the
right path for me to take.  Do I just forget all he did, forgive
him, and risk it all again or push him away, like he did to me
and let him suffer as I did?  One way I'll feel like a weakling,
giving into the strong ogre.  The other way I'll feel like David
when he beat Goliath.  I'll feel strong and complete.  But,
sadly, the choice might be made for me.
  And here we sit, a decision being made in my mind and a
realization sinking in in his.  Things must turn out for the
better.  They have to.  But all we can do now is hope.

The End