Urges

by Richard Lawson

Comments and Criticism welcome!
sterman@sprynet.com

Mizuno Ami carefully listened to the sensei.  She always carefully
listened to the sensei even when, like today, she already knew all
of the course material.  She had to maintain discipline and
concentrate fully or she might miss something.  And Ami wanted to
miss absolutely nothing.

The bell rang, and the sensei ground to a halt.  He looked around
for a moment, then nodded.  "Dismissed."

As always, a kind of relieved sigh permeated the classroom.  Ami
could never understand it.  She always felt a pang of regret when
each period ended, immediately followed by excited thoughts of
what the next class would bring.  Knowledge, or more specifically
the acquisition of it, was the most exciting thing in the world to
her.

Unfortunately, next period was only lunch.  Ami sighed, took her
lunch out of her desk along with a book of classic poetry, and
read and ate.  The two activities were inseparable.  She couldn't
even imagine eating without something to read; it would be *so*
boring.

She heard titters from the hallway.  She didn't have to turn to
know what was happening.  Some of her classmates were staring and
laughing at her.  They always went outside or to the lunchroom to
eat and gossip and do silly things.  They thought she was weird
for spending all of her time reading, even if this was supposed to
be an academically challenging school.

Ami concentrated fiercely on the poem.  She realized that although
she had just read every word in the poem, she hadn't actually
derived any coherent meaning from it.  She furrowed her brow and
started over from the beginning.  She actually understood three
lines before she heard whispering, and more laughter.

"That's it!"  She shot to her feet and turned to glare at the
other students.  Her face was a mask of righteous fury.  "Do you
have no respect for the pursuit of knowledge?  I am working to
improve myself; you had better do likewise!  I will leave you all
behind and you will curse the day that you didn't try to keep up
with me."  She took two steps forward; the other students took two
steps back in response, fear covering their faces.  "Now go and
leave me in peace; I have important things to do!"  The other
students were so much in awe of her that they had no choice; they
ducked their heads and fled her presence.

Ami shifted in her seat as the students' laughter got a little
louder.  She knew from experience that they would get bored and
leave, eventually.  They were trying to provoke her a little; but
she sat passively and let their contempt wash over her.

Finally, they did leave.  Ami ate her lunch mechanically and
stopped reading the poem after the eighth attempt was no more
successful than the previous seven.  She looked around the
classroom.  It was completely empty, and a little sterile with all
of the other students gone.

Ami shuddered.  Empty.  Sterile.  She saw her future in this
classroom and it frightened her.  She looked down at the book of
poems and drew a little comfort from itt.  Learning was very fun.
Time spent learning would not be wasted.  She would be happy with
such a life.

She nodded decisively to herself before starting the poem over yet
again.  It would fill her and give her meaning.  It had to; she
had nothing else.

***

Ami walked up the hill, knowing where she was going.  She
shuddered in the early winter chill, feeling uneasy because she
was going there.  Yet, it was... necessary.

She reached the top of the hill.  She couldn't quite see it; some
trees blocked her view.  She walked up to one and looked up.

Ami dropped her bookbag and leapt confidently into the air.  She
landed on a branch and immediately launched herself upwards again.
She continued springing from branch to branch until she reached
the top of the tallest tree.  She grabbed the tree with one hand,
braced her legs against the trunk, and used her free hand to shade
her eyes while she looked at the magnificent vista spread out
before her.  The wind ruffled her hair; she was the very portrait
of poise and confidence.

Ami tore her gaze from the top of the tree, looked straight ahead
of her into the sparse forest, and walked along the small dirt
path.  Eventually she found the rock, a boulder twice as big as
she was.  She set her bookbag on the ground and carefully climbed
to the top of the rock.  She stood, looked out, and saw it.

The Tokyo Tower was not as tall as the Eiffel Towel, but it was
tall enough to be seen from where Ami was.  It drew her somehow.
During the day it was just a plain metal sculpture.

Ami stood for a long time on the boulder.  The light slowly faded
as night began to creep over the horizon.  The lights in the city
came on one by one.  Her heart began beating rapidly in
anticipation.

And then, the Tower lit the sky.  She let out a soft groan of
wonder and yearning.  The sight of a gleaming tower of light sang
to her, stirred passions in her that were both wonderful and
frightening.  For some reason, she thought it would look better
surrounded by other, taller glowing structures, radiating light
and enlightenment.

And Tokyo.  It had to be Tokyo.  She didn't know why exactly, but
the thought of the towers anywhere else seemed... wrong.  Tokyo
called to her, sang to her, drew her.

Of course, the school she was going to was well outside of Tokyo.
She lived well outside of Tokyo.  There was no practical need for
her to be in Tokyo.  She was doing fine where she was.

And yet, she couldn't stop looking at the Tower.  She couldn't
stop coming here to gaze at it when she was feeling troubled, when
the strange urges she got threatened to overwhelm her.  Ami found
that the sight of the Tower satiated her urges for a time.

Lately, that time had been getting shorter.

Finally, her conscience reminded her that if she didn't run she
was going to be late for dinner.  Regretfully, she turned her back
on the view and lowered herself to the ground.

She raced the wind back home, feeling good.  She kept herself in
top shape, trying to defy the stereotype that all smart people
were people who couldn't run more than a block before collapsing.
Plus running was fun, too.

Ami ran up to the front door of her house, then stood for a minute
composing herself, slowing down her breathing and arranging her
hair and clothing.  Finally, she stepped serenely into the house.
She reached down and removed her shoes.  Setting her bookbag on
the table, she pulled out her physics textbook and padded down the
hallway to the dining room.

She was pleased to discover that she was not late.  Her mother was
just settling down.  Ami took her place and dinner began.  She
leafed through the pages of her textbook as she ate.  It really
wasn't worth trying to read any further on, she decided - she was
far enough ahead already.  Instead, she reviewed the section the
rest of the class was on now, making sure she understood it
thoroughly.

"Ami."  Her mother's voice sounded disapproving.  That wasn't
unusual.  Ami looked up at her.

She reached under the table and pulled out a dress.  "What is
this?"

Ami blinked.  "It's a dress, Mother."

"I am aware it is a dress, Ami."  Her irritation had increased
slightly.  "Look at where it stops.  It doesn't even reach your
knees."

"It's the style, Mother.  Everyone dresses like that."  Ami had
bought the dress yesterday, enjoying the looseness of it, the
*freedom* of it.

Her mother's face hardened.  "It is not appropriate attire for a
proper lady.  You will return it immediately."

Ami growled, stood up, and grabbed the dress out of her mother's
hand.  "I will wear whatever I feel like wearing.  I'm fourteen,
Mother.  I'm old enough to live however I want to live.  Don't
tell me what to do.  I am perfectly capable of making my own
decisions.  If you're not happy with that, I'll move out and live
on my own and you won't have me to boss around anymore.  So unless
you want me to leave, stay the hell out of my life."  Ami drew
satisfaction from her mother's stunned expression, from the
realization that she was not a little girl any more, that she had
grown up and had to treated like an adult.

Ami ducked her head, meekly took the dress from her mother, and
spoke quietly.  "Yes, Mother.  I will return it tomorrow."

She nodded.  "Do you have the receipt?"

"Of course, Mother."

"Good.  You are learning something about responsibility."  Mother
sighed softly.  "I guess that's not entirely fair.  You are
usually very responsible.  But then I find things like this dress
in your room and I wonder if you'll ever be anything more than a
child."

For some reason, picking out the mushrooms with her chopsticks had
become very important to Ami.  She bent to the task with a will.

"You're still young, Dear.  You're going to make mistakes."
Mother sounded very much like she was teaching reading
fundamentals.  "The best I can do is to continue to guide your
life and help you avoid mistakes.  And hope that eventually you
overcome this foolishness."

Mother turned back to her magazine.

Ami looked at her textbook again, her cheeks burning.  All things
considered, she preferred the whispers and laughter.

***

Ami walked slowly to school.  She had lots of time; today she'd
skipped her morning workout.  She wanted time to think.

Something was building inside of her.  She was losing control of
something.  What, she didn't know.  It terrified her.

And seduced her.

"Hey, encyclopedia-head!"

Ami looked up to see one of her classmates.  A boy, who was
actually almost as smart as she was.  He seemed to particularly
resent all the time she spent studying, and made every effort to
tease and belittle her.  She clenched her jaw and looked straight
ahead, trying to ignore him.

"Walking to school by yourself, aren't you?  You're always by
yourself.  No one wants to be with you.  You're boring, lifeless,
nothing but a book with legs.  You didn't go to the dance last
week, did you?  It's because no self-respecting guy would be seen
with a geeky, unattractive, integrated-circuit-where-her-heart-
should-be loser like you."

Ami whirled and ran up to him.  She picked him up and threw him
across the street.  When he sprang up and immediately pounced at
her, his face a mask of inhuman rage, she pointed her hand at him.
A beam of blue light leapt from her palm and struck him in the
center of his chest.  He snarled as the energy surrounded him in a
fiery nimbus before he dissolved away into nothingness.

Ami shrieked and started walking faster, then ignored decorum and
ran.  The boy's taunts changed into derisive laughter before
fading away behind her.

Ami reached the school, ran to her classroom, and collapsed into
her chair, burying her face in her arms.  She had these occasional
urges to do things, to act more aggressively and recklessly.
However, never before had her fantasies been so violent.  At the
time, she had felt nothing but satisfaction imagining her
classmate disintegrate.

They were getting worse, the urges.  She didn't know what they
meant.  The urges wanted her to do dangerous things.  Wanted her
to act improperly.  Wanted her to move her life away from the
focus her mother had set for her.  Wanted her to forget everything
she had worked so hard for all these years.

Wanted her to be free.

The sound of the bell ringing and other students coming into the
classroom was enough to lift her out of her confusing thoughts.
Ami forced herself to sit upright, not at all pleased with how she
was shaking.  She savagely beat down her emotions and focused her
mind on the lessons of the day.  As always, the desire to learn
would get her through the hard times.

She couldn't help shuddering once more, in dread of a time coming
when it wouldn't be enough.

***

Ami trudged home, walking in a daze.  Once the final bell had rung
and class was over for the day, she had lost her anchor and her
mind had begun to drift again.  Drift into frightening, depressing
thoughts.  All day, she had been able to fight off the urges, the
desire to bite people's heads off when they spoke to her.  She had
even come very close to yelling at the sensei when he had not
carefully enunciated during his lecture on pre-Imperial Japan.

She shook her head and reached a corner.  She stopped and looked
around.  If she continued straight ahead, she'd be home very
shortly.  If she turned right, she would eventually reach the hill
and the boulder.  After a few seconds' thought, she decided that
she didn't have the energy to go climbing today.  She continued
on, for some reason feeling like she was walking to her execution.

Ami entered her house and took off her shoes.  She began to walk
up the stairs, hoping to lose herself in her homework.  As she
reached the second floor hallway, she saw the door to her room was
open.  She drew her eyebrows together and went inside.

Her mother turned as she came in.  "Ami.  What is this?"

She looked at what her mother was holding.  "It's a skirt."

"I *know* it's a skirt."  The irritation in her voice grated on
Ami's nerves.  "Dear, it's shorter than the dress was."

"You only told me to return the dress.  You didn't say I couldn't
buy anything else."

Mother slowly shook her head.  "Ami, I won't play these games with
you.  I just can't believe how childish you're being over this.
You will return this skirt and you won't buy anything else like
it.  From now on, you will show me all the clothes you buy, and I
will tell you whether or not they are acceptable.  We'll do this
until I am satisfied that you are mature enough to dress
yourself."

"NO!  I WILL NOT DO THAT!"  Ami stepped up to her mother and
yelled into her face.  "I won't let you do that to me!  I won't
let you treat me like a trained dog that has to be punished when
it won't perform the way you want it to!  I've done everything
you've asked of me.  I attended the schools you wanted me to
attend, learned the things you wanted me to learn, lived *my* life
the way *you* wanted me to live it.  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!"  She
grabbed her mother's loose-fitting doctor's shirt and shook her.
"I will do *what* I want to do *when* I want to do it and you can
GO TO HELL!"

Ami smiled, enjoying the shock on her mother's face even as tears
streamed down her own.  It was only when the tears fell into her
mouth and she tasted their salt that she realized this wasn't a
fantasy.  She was actually standing in her room clutching her
mother's shirt.  Her ears were ringing because she had been
yelling as loud as she could.  It hadn't been something she'd
played out in her head.  It had been real.

Her heart dropped into her stomach.  Horror washed away her smile
and her satisfaction.  She took one step back, releasing the
shirt.  She covered her mouth with her hands, staring.  Mother's
mouth was agape and her eyes were moving up and down Ami as if she
was looking at a stranger.

Ami turned and fled the room.  She ran out of the house, sobbing.
The sobs continued to wrack her as she ran through the town.  She
didn't know where she was going until something on the forest
floor stabbed her stocking feet.  Crying out, she looked around
and found herself at the base of her boulder.  She scrambled up
and sat cross-legged atop the rock, not looking for the Tower.
Instead she sobbed into her hands.

What had she done?

She had finally lost control.  The urges had overwhelmed her at
last, crossing over into her real life and destroying it.  She had
insulted her mother, the woman who had given her so much, had
shown her the joy of discovery.  She had physically assaulted her.
Treated her with contempt.

What really shamed her, what terrified her to the core of her
being, was that it had felt so *good*.

She squeezed her eyes tightly in an unsuccessful attempt to keep
the tears from flowing.

Was that where she was headed?  A life of chaos and violence, with
no order, no focus, the desires of the moment all that mattered?

Yet, what was the alternative?  An empty and sterile existence of
learning and loneliness?  While the pursuit of knowledge was fun
and exciting, it wasn't a full life by itself.  No matter how much
she wished it could be.  The echoes of a life spent in strict
discipline learning all that there was to learn haunted her as
much as anything did.

She sniffled and rubbed her nose on her blouse.  Chaotic and
violent.  Aesthetic and sterile.  Caught between those extremes
was Mizuno Ami.  And very soon those extremes were going to rip
her apart.

"Dear, put on some shoes before you hurt yourself.  You look like
you're bleeding already."

She started and lifted her head.  Her mother was sitting on the
rock next to her.  Ami hadn't even heard her come up.

Ami gaped at her mother, amazement stifling her sobs.  "H-how did
you find me?"

Mother smiled.  "It's my job as a parent to know the places you're
likely to run off to.  Here."  She held out Ami's shoes.

Ami slowly reached out and took the shoes.  She put them on,
noticing in passing that one of her socks had a small red stain.

She turned to face her mother again, and her stomach began to
twist.  "Mother, I'm sorry."

"That was a very rude thing to say, Dear."  Mother raised a finger
and held it up but didn't shake it at her.  "I'm only trying to
look out for your best interests."

Ami bit her lip and nodded.  "Yes, Mother."

Mother furrowed her brow slightly.  "Don't do that."

"I won't yell at you again, Mother."

"That's not what I meant, Dear.  Don't hold back."

Ami recoiled in surprise.  "You *want* me to yell at you?"

"No, Dear."  Mother looked at her upraised finger, then used it to
tap Ami's lips.  "I meant, don't swallow your anger like you did
just now.  I've seen you do it time and time again.  Things upset
you, but you just absorb the anger and move on.  That works for
some people, but it doesn't work for you.  I see that now.  I
really should have known better."

Ami wiped her face, trying to bring some semblance of order to her
body and mind.  "What do you mean?"

Mother smiled at her.  "You were such an energetic child when you
were born.  As soon as you learned to move, you were everywhere,
getting into everything.  I had trouble finding a babysitter for
you because you simply wouldn't sit still.  You learned to run
almost before you learned to walk.  I was always chasing after
you.  You were *so* reckless.  Even when you fell and hurt
yourself, you'd just get right back up and go off running
somewhere else."

Mother chuckled.  "It was quite a trial.  You were so different
from me - and your father."  Mother's face clouded over for a
second; then she shook herself and focused on Ami again.  "We are
both calm, retiring, and tranquil.  At times, it seemed like you
were someone else's daughter.  And then one day you came up to me
when I was reading a journal and asked me what I was doing.  I
began to teach you to read, and you took to it so quickly.  You
stopped running and started sitting still while I taught you.

"I made a mistake with you, Dear.  I thought you were past your
wild, reckless stage.  I thought that you had found a new way to
channel your energy.  I realize now that the little girl who ran
and got into so much trouble is still there inside you.  You
simply found a new passion for learning, one that I encouraged.
But inside of you is your... energetic nature."

Mother reached over and began to style Ami's hair with her
fingers.  "You've tried to suppress it because that's what I've
taught you to do.  You take all of your rebellious, angry thoughts
and bury them.  But you can't do that.  It isn't in your nature.
You want to be expressive and reckless and dangerous like you were
when you were very young."

The words Mother spoke felt very good.  At last, Ami had some sort
of understanding about where her urges were coming from.  Still,
she was afraid.  "Does that mean that... that I have to stop being
the person you love?"

"Dear."  Mother sounded slightly irritated.  "You should know and
understand this very clearly: I will love you no matter who you
are or what you decide to do.  Now, that having been said, I don't
think you'll ever stop being the person you've been.  I just think
you need to... expand your horizons a little."  Mother smiled
again.  "You'll need to learn to let go.  It's not going to happen
instantly.  I think it's going to be a little painful, and you're
going to be very confused.  But you're going to explode if you try
to hold it in."

Ami smiled weakly.  "Like I did today?"

Mother laughed.  "Yes, exactly.  We're going to need to find some
kind of outlet for you.  In the meantime, please try to let me
know when you're feeling troubled.  There must be ways of dealing
with these problems that don't send you running off and leave me
looking exactly like... well, there's this one second after I give
a child a shot and before they start crying...."

Mother's eyes went comically wide and she hung her mouth open as
far as it could, her lower jaw bobbing.  Ami began to giggle, and
soon she and her mother were laughing far more uproariously than
the small joke deserved.

Ami calmed herself down.  She stared out across the city, trying
to figure out what she was feeling.  Not exactly better.  But
there was a way.  Something she could do to... deal with the urges
inside of her.  A path she could follow.

Her eyes found the Tokyo Tower in the distance.  And suddenly, she
knew where the path would lead her.

She turned and spoke quickly.  "Mother, I want to go to school in
Tokyo."

Mother raised her eyebrow.  "But Dear, we couldn't possibly get
you into one of the good schools there, not in the middle of the
semester."

"I don't want to go to a 'good school.' I want to go to a normal
school in Tokyo and meet the people who live there and have fun
and dress up and eat chocolate and do *everything*."

Mother looked puzzled.  "But why Tokyo, Dear?"

Ami shook her head, still unable to articulate the strange way the
city seemed to call to her.  "I don't know.  I just want to be in
Tokyo.  In the middle of it all."

"I... suppose you could take the train.  It's a long ride, of
course.  I mean...."  Mother trailed off, looking at her
uncertainly.  "Ami, is this what you want to do?"

She nodded vigorously.  "Yes, Mother.  Very much."

Mother touched Ami's cheek.  "Oh, you *are* becoming a young
woman.  This means I'm going to be seeing less of you, I suppose."

Ami swallowed.  "Mother, it's not that I don't want to be with
you, it's just...."

Mother smiled warmly.  "I understand.  Believe it or not, I was
young once, too.  I know that you need space.  Space to grow up.
I'm... sorry, Ami.  I was stifling you without even realizing it."
She laughed once.  "I guess I needed a good yelling-at.  I'll make
you a deal.  You can go to school in Tokyo, stay out as long as
you like, take responsibility for your own life.  In exchange, I
hope that you will come to me when you need help, so that you
don't blow up like you did today."

Ami felt something relax inside of her, a tension she hadn't been
aware of.  She grinned and reached over to hug her mother
fiercely.  "I promise I'll do that.  Thank you, Mother."

Mother's voice returned to its normal, serene tones.  "You're
welcome.  Now, I am going to pick up dinner, since I didn't get a
chance to make it tonight.  Go ahead on home and thoroughly wash
your foot with soap and hydrogen peroxide.  I'll bandage it when I
get home."  She pushed Ami away.  "Run along."

Ami nodded and stood up.  She leapt high off the boulder, feeling
the wind on her face and the lurching of her stomach that
indicated free fall.  The ground rushed up to meet her and she hit
it running, narrowly avoiding a tree.  She laughed and ran faster,
letting her urges carry her away.

***

"Do you see, Usagi-chan?  The poet is making an allusion here.  Do
you see how this relates to the other poem?"

Usagi let her head fall forward onto the desk in her room.  "Poem
after poem, alley-whatsis after whatsis.  For hours and hours, day
after day.  Ami-chan, don't you ever get tired of it all?"

Ami was well used to this reaction.  "Learning can be fun, Usagi-
chan.  Just give it a chance."

"Fun?"  Usagi sat up and let her head loll back, howling at the
ceiling.  "This will never never NEVER be fun!"

Ami just smiled, amused, and waited for Usagi to finish her
tantrum.  Ami still loved learning - her desire in that regard had
never diminished.  She also found that she enjoyed teaching,
despite the difficulty in dealing with Usagi's idiosyncrasies.
Those kind of things never irritated her, not anymore.  Like her
mother, Ami was calm and serene and never ever got angry.  All the
bad things just washed over her and disappeared into a special
part of her, waiting patiently to be released.

"Usagi!  Ami!"  Luna leapt to the windowsill from outside.  "There
is a Youma in the park.  Come, you must stop it now!"

Usagi quickly jumped to her feet, looking more relieved than
anything else.  "Okay!  Let's go!"

Ami's pulse quickened.  She would never admit it to anyone, not
even Usagi, but she was feeling a bit of relief herself.  Now she
could set aside the books and the homework and go out and battle
evil creatures and live dangerously.  As she cried out her
transformation phrase, her spirit sang of battle once more.

Time to indulge her urges.


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