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by cel este goodchi l d

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When I close my eyes, I can hear the violin music.

Funny, that. I’ve never been a fan of the violin; I don’t know why it should strike me now that the violin is such a beautiful instrument. And then I have to smile. I know why…violins. Mourning. I am in mourning.

I can see a beautiful day beginning today. I can look out across the city and watch all those young people rushing backwards and forwards like scurrying Nemesian children trying to get home before the sun goes down. That was always the thing about Nemesian days; nobody intelligent would stay outside for long after the sun went down. That was just a stupid thing to do…the place was as cold as the Antarctic once the pitiful and fatuous sunlight left the perpetually gloomy sky.

Actually, though, to tell you the truth, I never really knew that. The children’s playground, I mean. Going outside. I never knew that. My childhood was far from normal. I went outside very rarely because I was not allowed to leave. By the time that I could come and go as I pleased, I no longer cared. There was nothing outside for me anymore; I had grown up without it, surely I could survive without it now.

Oh yes, I am very bitter about it. My childhood. What a farce that was. I never knew what it was like to just be an "ordinary" child. I spent all my childhood indulged in a world of numbers. At first, I was forced into it; I liked the numbers, but they were not my life. Until they became my life…as I waited for my oniisan, my bright and shining god, to come and rescue me from this dim and isolated Hell.

I remember that solitude like it was yesterday. I never forgot the agony of being alone; what other reason would I have for being so attached to my oniisan? There is nothing I ever needed more than my oniisan…he was like a god to me; he was the only one I could trust. I was only a child…I needed someone to love…

And every time I look at Tomoe Hotaru, I see pieces of me…poor child, lost child…and here we go again, I see the crystal visions…and I want to keep them to myself, I want to keep…I want to…I want…

Ø Ø Ø

"Saffir? Saffir, what are you thinking about?"

The voice was calm, but quietly upset. It washed over me like a cold and unwelcome wave; in that second, I hated the owner of that voice. What kind of dumbass question was that supposed to be, anyway? She knew perfectly well what was wrong with me; she knew exactly what I was thinking!

Yes, but is that really true, Saffir-chibichan? asked that smug voice inside my head. Does she know what you’re thinking? You’ve changed, you know that? You’ve gotten…awfully odd, you know. I don’t think that you even know exactly who you are now…isn’t that true, chibichan?

I gritted my teeth against that voice. I was quite familiar with it; I had made its acquaintance for the first time when I was alone as a child. I was so young when it came…too young to know that this was the voice of all my neuroses, and that I should push it away before it could get any kind of foothold in my mind. By the time I realised its nature, it was far too late. It had built its nest in my mind, and it would stay there forever…and nobody ever knew. Nobody ever knew that that voice would forever speak up the opinions, the bitterness that I could never voice aloud…and it very nearly drove me insane.

I felt her hand on my arm. "Saffir, I think you should come inside…I think you need to lie down. You look awfully pale."

"It’s because I don’t like the sun that my skin is so pale," I snapped in reply, angrily brushing away her hand. "And I don’t need to lie down!"

She looked a little shocked by my words; I didn’t really blame her. After all, I very rarely raised my voice. I only ever did it when I was truly angry…but I was angry. I was furious.

I turned and moved inside, brushing past Petz, brushing past two of her sisters who stood just inside the balcony doors. Without so much as a word to any of the three, I made my way towards the front door.

"Where are you going?" demanded Petz suddenly, allowing some anger to enter her voice. She had obviously had enough of my moodiness, even though she had tried so desperately to understand me, to comfort me.

I turned around; I fixed her with a cold hard stare until she decided to look chastised. It sounds terrible, I know, but I enjoyed that. I was broken and hurting inside, and I wanted everybody else to hurt with me. I knew that my kindness to her meant a startling amount, and that speaking to her like that hurt her feelings quite badly. "I don’t need to tell you where I am going," I told her harshly. "I have my business, and you have yours. Just live your own life and let me live mine!"

She stepped back slightly; her eyes were wide and shocked. And they were hurt. "Saffir-sama, I didn’t mean to intrude, I just…"

"You just what?" I demanded, my eyes flashing with rare malice. "Well?"

She swallowed; she actually looked like she was on the verge of tears. "I just…wanted to help you!"

"I don’t need your help!" I shouted back, and the loudness of my voice surprised even me. But I was out of control. I spun about and screamed at the top of my lungs "SAILOR PLUTO! I know that you’re here! Come out right now and speak to me!"

Cooan and Beruche exchanged an odd look; they looked as shocked and frightened as Petz did.

However, I knew that she was there. She moved languidly out of the shadows, her hands wrapped loosely about the time staff at her side. She allowed a pause before she spoke, her voice cultured and precise. "I was wondering how long it would take you to decide to ask for my help."

I ignored her for the moment; I turned back to Petz and twisted my strange smile so it was more a grimace. "I’m going back to Nemesis, Petz. With my brother dead, and me as the rightful heir, I think I should go back there again…and take care of business." I paused for a second for deliberate effect, and told her slowly: "I am not coming back."

She looked stunned. "You’re…not coming back?"

I could see the truth in her eyes right there. She had somehow believed that I was going to resurrect our former relationship…but somehow, it was just never going to happen. "I am not coming back." I turned back to Pluto, and tossed my head in a certain direction. "I need to go to the Tomoe residence…I need to speak with the professor’s daughter myself…and with Tomoe-kyouju himself. I can’t just leave without handing in my notice…it isn’t polite."

With that, I stormed out of the apartment, leaving the three sisters in my wake. I didn’t know where Pluto was, and I didn’t really care. I didn’t stop until I reached the elevator, shocked to find Calaveras leaning against wall, precisely over the control panel, her eyes closed and arms folded across her chest.

"You’re not really going to leave, are you?"

Stunned, I could only stare open-mouthed at her for a moment. Shock then gave way to that odd anger; I glared at her and demanded in an ugly tone: "What right do you have to speak to me like that?"

"As Petz’s sister, I have the right to tell you that you’re hurting her dreadfully…and you don’t have the right to do such a thing."

I paused. "Calaveras…" My voice softened a little. I was shocked to discover how close to tears I was. "Can’t…can’t you understand…it just never would have worked, you see…"

With that I roughly pushed her away from the elevator’s controls and went into the enclosed space. Half the elevator was in darkness as half of the lights seemed to be out; the others were flickering precariously, as neon gas lights tend to do. I didn’t mind; the oppressive atmosphere suited my mood impressively well. I pushed the DOWN button and leant gratefully against the side wall as the doors slammed shut. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to control my breathing; I was dangerously close to tears.

"Are you really sure that you can go back to Nemesis this soon?" came a voice from the opposite side, just out of the shadows.

I started; I looked up angrily to see twin cerise eyes peering out at me from the darkness. "You!"

"Of course it’s me," she replied, completely unperturbed by my less-than-generous hello. "Who were you expecting? Father Christmas?"

"Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, Sailor Pluto," I muttered as we reached the ground. The doors opened a second later; but it was too late for the four sisters who were standing outside waiting for us, panting from the effort of having careened down so many flights of stairs to beat the lift. We had already teleported to the street outside the Tomoe mansion.

"Will your friend be home this early?" asked Pluto, consulting a gold pocket watch that she seemed to materialise out of nowhere. To tell you the truth, that act really blew my mind – what the hell did the angel of time want with a watch?! "I also have other matters to attend to, Saffir – I wish that you’d hurry and go through with this, if this is what you really want."

"It’s what I want," I said slowly, forcefully, though my heart was breaking with the agony of what I had to do now.

I walked purposely up to the door and banged on it as hard as I could. Almost immediately it was answered by the tall red-headed figure of Kaori. "Can I help you?"

"I’m here to see Hotaru-chan – I know she’s not at school, so let me in."

She smiled strangely. "Yes…she is not at school. She is resting…I’m afraid that I can’t let you in to see her, Saburo-kun."

"Don’t play games with me, Kaori-san," I snapped, pressing past her roughly. She was startled by my actions, which is the only reason that I could give for the fact that she allowed me past. Strange as it sounds, Kaori was a lot stronger than me.

Without waiting for Sailor Pluto – she was still at the gate, away from Kaori, as far as I knew – I ran up the stairs, taking two at a time.

"The professor isn’t going to like this!" shrilled Kaori’s voice from down below. "He’ll terminate your employment if you’re not careful."

I leaned over the railing of the landing, staring down at Kaori in the foyer with cold blue eyes. "I don’t care," I voiced very clearly, very icily. "In fact, I’m quitting this very morning, and therefore I don’t really care what the professor thinks of me running about his home like this!"

I hadn’t realised how loud I was shouting until I heard the voice at my side, slightly timid. "You’re leaving, Saburo-oniisan?"

I felt my own heart break as I heard the wistfulness in her voice. I turned to Hotaru slowly and reluctantly; I found myself completely unable to speak as I looked at her. "Hotaru-chan…"

She was staring off into space; her chin was trembling, but her eyes were vacant. "It’s all right," she said finally. "I knew that we couldn’t stay friends…I knew that it wasn’t good that we go on seeing each other."

I bit my lip; she sounded so far away, and somehow very old. "I always…I always end up hurting my friends."

"Then we have something in common," I replied softly. "I only hurt those I love the most…"

She was still staring off into space, her beautiful eyes vacant and liquid. "Are you going home, Saburo-oniisan?"

"I am, yes," I said softly. "My homecoming awaits me."

"I hope you and your brother can work out your problems," she said softly, not looking at me. To tell you the truth, her vacuous eyes, so deadly and intriguing in their immense beauty, were beginning to seriously frighten me.

My heart shattered right then. I believe she heard that in my voice. "Hotaru-chan, my brother is dead."

She nodded slightly; I could see tears shining in her eyes. "I know how that is, Saburo-san…but perhaps it is better this way. I can’t hurt you if you stay away from me."

"Gomen nasai," I said helplessly as I began to back away from her. Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer; I turned and ran from her. I pounded down the staircase and pushed past Kaori, who was halfway up the staircase, and ran blindly through the front door. However, no matter how quickly I ran, I still heard the degrading tone of Kaori’s voice; it was simply unmistakable. Her words haunted me for many years to come; I only hoped that she hadn’t had to live with the pain of living with that woman for much longer…I could only hope that she had found a new friend to help her.

"See Hotaru, I told you. You were never meant to have any friends."

Pluto didn’t seem at all startled to see me run past her like a whirlwind. She didn’t even bother to follow me to the tall skyscraper that was the Mugen Gakuen building. I was completely alone as I entered with ease, ignoring security guards and the like as I made my way towards the laboratories that I had shared with Eudial, among other people.

I sifted through piles of her old things, most of them half tidied away after her death. I did not find what I was looking for, and I cursed roundly.

"That’s not very nice language, Saburo-san. Why are you going through Eudial-sempai’s things, anyway?"

"No reason," I said sharply, pressing past Mimete. I was not in the mood for the blonde girl’s happy bubbliness. It simply made me want to be sick.

I knew that Eudial had been rather odd. I had also noticed the signs on the lower levels of the Mugen building that declared anything below the ground floor to be completely off-limits.

Funny how Eudial had always seemed to be coming from that direction almost every day at one stage or another.

Ignoring the security guards, I strode purposefully towards the forbidden corridors. Perhaps it was because I proceeded with such arrogance that no-one questioned my direction or my motives. Whatever they thought, however, I was soon downstairs and outside a door that had "Witc" painted on it, the rest of this covered by a crudely drawn poster with "hes 4," which was firmly sellotaped to the door.

I pushed it open without invitation and proceeded into the room. It was dark and had an abandoned feel to it, but I did not care. I recognised the collection of post-it notes crowded over the computer and its surrounding desks and filing cabinets.

I had gotten somewhat close to it when I was interrupted. "What are you doing in here?"

I turned, and felt my heart jump into my throat for reasons that I could not explain.

My blue eyes met dark green and wide eyes; they were liquid and the colour of the healthy greenery we never got on Nemesis. Her hair was the exact same shade, drawn up into two four buns about her narrow face. Tendrils of hair escaped this hairstyle to curl like vines against her pale skin. She wore oval-rimmed glasses and a white lab coat which covered whatever she might be wearing underneath it. In her hands, she held a pot containing something that slipped my attention for the time being; I was too enamoured of her lovely face to pay much attention to anything else.

She cocked her head, her voice curious and somehow hard. "You shouldn’t be here," she said firmly.

"I am an old co-worker of Eudial," I said firmly, though respectfully. "I leant her something very precious to me the day before she died, and she never returned it. I came down here to see if I could find it for myself."

Her eyes flickered for a second. "You must be mistaken," she said smoothly. "Eudial-sempai never worked in these lower levels." She nodded towards the door, pink orb earring moving smoothly against her porcelain skin. "Now, I’m going to have to ask you to leave."

She turned on her heel and disappeared in the opposite direction to the door. As she moved swiftly away, I heard a dull thump.

In a flash, I was at the site of the sound, picking up a brown notebook. Embossed on the front was a black star with a golden symbol of infinity in its centre. This symbol was accompanied by the words "MUGEN H."

I opened it in curiosity; I was shocked in a way that I have never understood to note the name above the face of the owner.

Teruno Ruru.

"Matte!" I called after the green-haired girl – Teruno? – and waved the notebook dumbly in the air. "Teruno-san!"

She turned, a slight frown on her face. "My name is Tellu," she said, vague irritation in her face. Her face suddenly paled as she saw the notebook I held. "My…"

She rushed towards me and snatched it out of my hands, dropping her pot as she did so. If it had not been for my swift reactions, the pot would have shattered on the concrete floor.

She was trembling as she placed it back in her pocket. She silently accepted the pot that I proffered to her. It wasn’t until she held it firmly in her hands that she looked up from the floor and said "Arigatoo," very quietly.

"You’re welcome," I replied slowly, very slowly. I then stared at the dark leafed flower for a moment. "What do you do, Tellu-san?"

She blinked. "Oh…I’m a botanist."

I felt the oddest feeling at hearing that job title. Botanist. A useless profession on Nemesis…one should rather be a genetic engineer. Fiddling with plant DNA was the only way to get the damn things to be of any use on Nemesis.

She seemed to notice how this disclosure effected my composure. I was more-or-less sagging against the nearest desk, trying to ignore the voice that piped up in the back of my mind.

Tellu proffered the pot to me. "Do you like it?" she asked, almost shyly. "I altered the DNA myself…it is a hybrid that I call the ‘terurun,’ meaning ‘brings good fortune.’"

I looked at it closer; I didn’t need any further information to know that she had done a lot more than alter the DNA…it had been infused with a powerful – and very dark – magic.

I declined to touch it, intrigued instead by the memory of the photograph in the notebook. She had looked…so much younger…and had been dressed in the uniform of Mugen High… "Did you once go to school here? Senior high school, I mean?"

She blinked. "Yes…then I moved on to do my higher education in botany." She leant her head to one side; she seemed to be studying me with those wide green eyes. "Are you interested in plants?"

"I can’t afford to be," I said honestly. "I can’t keep plants at home." With that, I bowed my head. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Tellu-san."

She looked a little confused. "You too…I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name…?"

I shook my head slightly, smiling very slightly. "It doesn’t matter. I’m leaving Mugen Gakuen."

With that, I turned and made to leave. It wasn’t until I was sure that Tellu had gone deeper than before into the bowels of the underground laboratories that I returned to the desk and opened the top drawer. To my delight, I found what I wanted almost immediately. I used my magic easily to make it vanish into thin air, into a non-dimensional pocket until I needed it again.

I then made my way upstairs to finally hand in my resignation…and the realisation that I was going to do this seemed to lift a weight off my shoulders that I hadn’t even been aware I had been carrying. There was just something…wrong about Mugen Gakuen.

Sailor Pluto was waiting for me outside. And then it was over and I stood in the outer courtyard of the Adamant tower…and it was alone that I proceeded to the inner garden, despite the protests of Amethyst and Minako.

But this was something I had to do alone. No-one else could ever understand what I was going to do now.

Ø Ø Ø

The garden…it was not familiar to me as it once had been. It was overgrown, dim and dark; there was nothing there that reminded me of the sweet days I used to occasionally spend with my elder brother there. That was from when I was about…ten or eleven, I suppose. My brother was still very young – only seventeen – but he was so busy, already so cold and so distant. He had the weight of his patriarchy on his shoulders, and it aged him. Somehow, though, he had always made time for me…

…until the Wiseman ruined it all, but I have nothing to say for that malignancy. In his case, there is no more to say.

I entered the garden by way of the garden gate, the black wrought iron gate that was next to priceless here on Nemesis. The walls were tall and made of grey, hard stone; they blocked out what little light was available to me as it was.

Once inside, in the gaping darkness of the enclosed garden, I could clearly hear the sound of running water. The fountain of tears; a familiar monument that had meant the world to Dimando, and had never had quite the same feeling for me. It was only a vague remember of the great and shining figure who had wept over me before his death. That is how I remember my father. He is forever the shining figure who held me in his arms for a moment…and then my world had exploded in red and scarlet, and I never did remember much more than that outside of my nightmares.

There is a figure by the fountain. He is slumped on the side; his head is bowed, his ragged pale hair falling into the pale face. He is on the cold and barren stone of the paved area about the fountain, his hands dangling over the edge of the marble and into the cool waters of the fountain. As I move closer, I can see that the water is stained with sanguine colour, a mortal colour that spreads out from where his right hand touches the water.

"Always the dramatist, weren’t you, Dimando?" I asked quietly, standing in the darkest, deepest shadows of the garden. Funny, that. Once it was Dimando who was the stranger in this garden…now it is me.

His eyes flickered slightly; a low whisper, breathy and laboured, escaped his throat. Slowly, he lifted his head, the movement so slow it was as if he were drugged. He opened his eyes painfully and turned his glazed and pained purple eyes to meet mine, his expression unreadable.

"Why are you here?"

"Why, Dimando, for what other reason would I be here than to make sure that you are dead?" I asked coldly, stepping forward to observe the way that the blood continued to drip from his wrists; only occasionally would it run the length of his long hand to linger for a moment at his fingertips before leaving to join its comrades in the icy water.

He shuddered; his body was stiff with agony as he looked away from me. "Then you will not have long to wait, Saffir."

I moved closer, so as to tower above his prone form. "I know. That’s why I came when I did."

His eyes were closed. "Allow me to die alone, Saffir. Allow me to die in peace! I know that I have hurt you, but this is the last of my whims that you will be forced to accede to."

I moved closer, kneeling down at his side. "No, Dimando. I will not accede to your whim…instead, you will accede to mine."

He did not answer; he did not protest as I leant forward to pull his hands from where they dangled just above the water level. I examined them for a second, then frowned. It was impossible; the blood flow was now slow, sure, but it clogged up the wounds so that I could not see them.

I thrust his hands into the water, ignoring his high-pitched wail of agony as I used the salt water to cleanse the wounds.

"Shut up!" I said sternly. "I am only doing what I must do."

I would have thought he was weeping, if I truly believed that my brother could cry. Instead, I ignored this and looked at the cleaned wounds.

"Slashing your wrists is really out, Dimando," I sighed. "I mean, sure, you did it with our father’s sword, but really. You’re supposed to commit seppuku, not this drama queen act."

He was glaring at me through pain-fogged eyes. "I did it because I wanted to sever my hands, Saffir."

"Ah, I understand. Your hands, they were dirty…and what it that biblical saying? If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away?" I chuckled bitterly. "That’s you all over, Dimando. You and your bible stories, your tales of the ancient prophesies and your conviction that you were the messiah our people have waited for all this time..."

Dimando shuddered; his skin was so translucent I could see the veins underneath it. I could also see that he was dying from blood loss. The look in his eyes told me that he was beyond pain now. He had entered the final moments of his death. "Leave me be, Saffir."

"You know, Dimando, you don’t have to die," I remarked suddenly, in a conversational tone. "I have a friend who can help you."

Dimando shook with laughter that dissolved into tears. "Saffir, just go away."

I was unperturbed. "Dimando, I don’t believe that you really want to die."

He shook his head. "I am evil, Saffir. I am better off dead…"

"Evil?" My laughter was just as bitter as his had been. "Oh, Dimando, how you make me laugh! What are you talking about? You flatter yourself! You are not evil…far from it…"

He turned away from me. "Allow me to die in peace, Saffir," he said quietly, his eyes glazed. "I am evil, and this is how I will atone for my sins."

I sighed. "What are we going to do with you?"

Dimando sighed heavily. "Saffir…"

"Yes?" I asked cautiously, daring to look him directly in the eyes. I knew at once that I shouldn’t have done it; my heart wound up tightly and painfully and I almost died myself at that moment.

"I really did love you."

I felt a sudden bitterness overwhelm me. "Don’t say that! DON’T SAY THAT!" I shouted in complete anger and agony, hearing my own heart break in the cry. "Don’t say you love me, not now, don’t tell me that you love me…"

I leaned over him one last time. "Dimando, you want to live?"

He closed his eyes. "I do not."

"Then I am going to prove to you that you do want to live…and then my friend is going to heal you," I said clearly, precisely. I pushed him over so that he leant backwards against the fountain, staring at me through blank eyes. "I know that the only reason you want to die is because you believe that you are evil. I am going to show you that you are not evil, and then you are going to want to live again. I will do this, Dimando, make no mistake. It will hurt me just as much as it hurts you…but that’s what I’ll do. If that’s what it takes."

I let my ill-used powers flow through me again, producing my "borrowed" machination. His eyes did not even flicker at the sight of it.

I levelled Eudial’s gun at his heart and smiled bitterly. "This is how I am going to prove that you are good, Dimando."

And I pulled the trigger.

The song lyrics are from the Corrs’ song, "Don’t Say You Love Me," one of my favourite songs, and the one I happened to be listening to as I wrote this, ^_^